Tapping the Promise of Personal Growth

The nice thing about working on your personal growth is that when you make a concerted, dedicated effort to improve some part of your life, there’s an excellent chance that you will succeed in the long run. You may have a lot of gunk to clear out in terms of limiting beliefs, and you may be starting from a disadvantaged position, but given enough time, it’s entirely possible to completely rework some part of your life for the better.

For example, you have the potential to go from rags to riches, from shy to socially confident, or from unhealthy to vibrant and fit. It may not be easy to make such transitions, but there are numerous successes to model. These are transitions that many, many people have already succeeded at, and they’re often more than happy to help out people who are interested in taking similar journeys. You certainly don’t have to stumble forward blindly.

This, of course, is the grand promise of personal development — that you can consciously remake some part of your life, re-sculpting it from what it is now to what you desire it to be.

But there are two very common problems that prevent many people from receiving the full delivery of this promise.

Getting Clear About What You Want

First, most people never get clear about what they want.

Since they don’t decide, there’s nothing for them to move towards. Moving away from where you are now is not a specific heading. An “away from” mindset is like a bunch of crazy, chaotic arrows pointing off in all different directions, but in most cases that isn’t enough to get moving with any consistency. “Not here” isn’t a goal.

When I ask people what they want out of life, most of the time I get a very vague answer. They can’t tell me. So of course their lives aren’t going to change much. They have no direction. If someone asks you what you want out of life, offer up a clear and specific answer.

Don’t look to life to tell you what you want. That’s your burden — and your privilege — to decide.

Not deciding is still a choice. If you can’t decide, then you’re deciding to continue the status quo, and you’re broadcasting the intention that more than anything else in the universe, you want to continue experiencing what you’re experiencing right now. And so essentially that is what you’ll get. So when you keep getting what you’re already getting, be grateful that the desires you voiced are being fulfilled. You are simply receiving what you’ve been asking for.

Don’t pretend that your life will change until you first make a clear decision about where you want to go next. You can bitch and moan about the burden of having to make that choice, but there’s no point in that. It’s better to celebrate the honor and privilege of having the freedom to make that choice. Be grateful that you can choose. Appreciate the fact that you get to decide where your life goes next. Consider yourself lucky that you have a choice.

Making a choice is really, really simple. Most people overcomplicate the process tremendously. Ask a child what they want for their birthday, and they’ll probably rattle off a number of specific items. How do they decide? They just decide. They don’t worry so much about making wrong choices. They voice intentions based on what experiences they feel drawn towards. It’s that simple. If you feel drawn to a certain experience, then that’s an excellent candidate for a new decision.

Real Decisions vs. Fantasy Decisions

Secondly, when people do finally decide, they usually don’t make a real choice. They make a fantasy choice instead.

There’s a major difference between a fake decision and a real decision. Let me ’splain that.

A fake decision is when you get clear that you desire a certain experience, but you don’t accept the far-ranging consequences of that experience. This is like deciding to pick up one end of a stick while denying or ignoring the existence of the other end of the stick. Whether you acknowledge it or not, the other end of the stick is coming along for the ride. If you resist the true nature of the stick as a whole, you cannot pick up the front end of it. If you resist the consequences of your desires, you block your desires from becoming real.

For example, you may set a goal to have a million dollars, but if you do not invite, welcome, and accept the consequences of becoming a millionaire, then your goal is a mere fantasy. It isn’t a real goal. It’s just a delusional waste of time.

A real decision is when you get clear that you desire a certain experience, and then you do your best to predict and understand the likely consequences of that experience, and you decide to invite and welcome those consequences too.

Think of it this way: Either you desire the entire stick, or you desire none of it. To desire one end of the stick but not the other end is to create a block that translates to desiring nothing but the perpetuation of the status quo.

In order to set a real goal or hold a real intention, realize that you must intend and accept its consequences as well.

So in our example of desiring a million dollars, a real decision includes accepting how you’ll manage that money, how it will alter your relationships with others, how it will impact your lifestyle, and so on. This includes accepting any likely effects you may perceive as negative — and welcoming them into your life.

Understand this: If you cannot accept the likely consequences of a decision, then you have not yet made the decision.

I.e. if you cannot accept the likely consequences of a new relationship, then you have not yet make the decision to attract a new relationship. If you cannot accept the likely consequences of doubling your income, then you have not yet made the decision to double your income. If you cannot accept the likely consequences of being at your ideal weight, then you have not yet made the decision to reach your ideal weight.

Quite often people claim to know what they want, but the truth is that they’re stuck in fantasy land. For example, they’ve decided to reach their ideal weight, but they fail to accept and invite the possibility of getting more attention from the opposite sex, buying different clothes, maintaining more disciplined diet and exercise habits to maintain that weight, etc. Mentally they understand that these are the natural, logical consequences of reaching that goal, but they aren’t yet there emotionally. They don’t really “get it” yet.

In order to achieve a goal, it’s important to listen to your logical predictions about what the consequences may be and to accept those predictions. Even more important than that is to integrate those predictions into the goal itself, so your goal represents the total package of what you’re going to create, not merely some isolated element of it.

Goals as Growth Experiences

How can you invite and welcome the consequences of a desire? Perhaps the best way to do that is to view your goals as growth experiences. Every goal, desire, or intention is a growth experience, and every growth experience is a package deal. Along with every desire you get a pack of free bonuses. Those bonuses are called life lessons.

Along with money, you get bonus lessons in money management, scarcity, abundance, and generosity. Along with new relationships, you get bonus lessons in communication, negotiation, and compassion. Along with a better body, you get bonus lessons in self-discipline, self-awareness, and self-esteem. Along with a successful business or career, you get bonus lessons in responsibility, productivity, and life balance.

These bonuses are awesome! You just need to recognize them as such. In many cases the bonuses are worth more than the initial desire. When you can regard the consequences of every potential goal or desire as a valuable pack of personal growth bonuses, it gets much easier to desire the whole package instead of obsessing over the front-end offer.

So in summary, we have two key hurdles to overcome in order to begin realizing the promise of personal growth: 1) Decide what you want, and 2) Identify, accept and invite the likely consequences of what you want.

Now… have you completed both steps yet? Of course you have. Either you’ve done this for a new desire, or you’ve done it for the status quo by default. Either you’re actively creating something new, or you’re actively perpetuating what you already have. Regardless of your choice, you are succeeding, so celebrate that!

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the next transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas.

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Registration Opens for 3 More 2010 Workshops

I’m happy to announce that we’ve finalized the bookings for the remaining 2010 Conscious Growth Workshops. Registration is now officially open for all 3 of them.

These workshops will be held at the Flamingo Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip on the following dates:

May 14-16, 2010 (Fri-Sun)
Jul 16-18, 2010 (Fri-Sun)
Oct 29-31, 2010 (Fri-Sun)

Feedback was so positive on the first two CGWs that it made sense to commit to doing many more of them. On a scale of 1-10, the average rating from CGW graduates was about a 9.

Social Abundance

One of the primary strengths of CGW is the social element. I’m still impressed by how much CGW alumni are keeping in touch with each other, both online and in person. Week after week I’m seeing CGWers encouraging each other, supporting each other, or hanging out just to have fun together.

I know of two CGW alumni who are going out to dinner tonight for raw/vegan food, even though they haven’t seen each other in a while. I get the sense that it doesn’t matter how much time passes. As part of going through the CGW experience together, people seem to develop lasting bonds very easily.

I even know of some new relationships that have formed because of CGW. I’m in that same boat myself at present.

Venue

All of the 2010 CGWs will be in the same Flamingo Hotel meeting room at the Jan 2010 CGW. That was a really nice ballroom, and unlike the room we had for CGW #1 in October, this room was big enough to do classroom-style seating with tables and chairs for everyone. (At CGW #1 we had to use theater-style — chairs only with no tables.) The room at the Flamingo also had a nice gathering space outside with lots of room for attendees to hang out and socialize before and after each day’s sessions.

I’m sticking with Las Vegas for now since I think it’s an ideal location for these workshops. We do various social fieldwork exercises in this environment, and it’s a fun place to enjoy after hours for those who are interested. At previous CGWs many attendees got together in groups to go out to dinner, see shows, go dancing, and do other fun things in the city.

If you attend the October workshop, that could be especially fun since the final day is Halloween, and many people dress up in costume and parade around the Strip that night.

To help you make travel plans (air travel, hotel, transportation to the event), check out the extensive Workshop FAQ. It includes links to various resources to help you plan your stay.

Pricing

Despite urgings from some of my friends that I should raise the price to $1000-2000, I’m stubbornly keeping the price the same: $497 USD if you register at least 30 days in advance, $597 if you register less than 30 days before a workshop. This is to make sure we have a reasonable idea of the expected attendance within 30 days before the event for planning and execution purposes.

This pricing is definitely on the low side for 3-day personal growth workshop. Many of my friends in this field would charge at least double that (and they’ve told me so). The main reason I’m able to keep the price so low is that my marketing costs are virtually nonexistent. We were able to fill up the past two CGWs just by promoting them on my blog, newsletter, Erin’s blog, Erin’s newsletter, Twitter, and Facebook — none of which cost us anything. Typically for a workshop of this type, marketing is the single biggest expense. So this is a nice way I can leverage my online resources to keep the costs low. Otherwise if I had some serious marketing expenses to lay out, I probably would charge at least $1000 for this workshop.

I also think that if we keep the price low relative to the value being provided, it will generate more word of mouth from attendees, which means even more free marketing. This is the same basic strategy I used to build my blog traffic — deliver high value at an unbeatable price.

CGW Photos

You can see some pics of previous CGWs in my Facebook photos if you’d like. They’re on the first couple pages of the main photo section, not in one of the albums. There are also some pics of post-workshop gatherings with CGW alumni. I doubt the pics capture the essence of the experience, but they’re there if you care to take a peek.

Sign Up!

If you want to attend a CGW this year, go ahead and register. It only takes a minute, and then you know you’ll be there. Please don’t wait till the last minute since there’s always a chance that your preferred date will sell out.

Hotel rates at the Flamingo are pretty reasonable right now ($100 per night or less on average), but room rates tend to go up a few weeks before the stay dates, so it’s best to reserve your hotel room well in advance. If you reserve with a credit card, you usually won’t be billed for the hotel until your stay, so there’s no reason to procrastinate. You can reserve a room at the CGW venue hotel online very quickly on the Flamingo Hotel’s website. You can select the dates of your stay right on their home page. It only takes a few minutes.

One last time, here’s the link to learn more about CGW and sign up: Conscious Growth Workshop.

I look forward to seeing you there for an awesome life-changing experience!

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Posted by ealigam

How to Order

The universe you live in works very much like a popular restaurant. You go in, you decide what you want, you order it, you receive it, and you digest it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t seem to know how to order. Some are downright inept at it. They walk into this restaurant, behave like complete idiots, and they end up hungry and disappointed. Then they complain about the restaurant and post negative reviews online, despite the fact that the restaurant has received rave reviews from the most experienced food critics.

The Universal Restaurant

I can’t tell you how many times I encounter people who set goals like, “I want a romantic partner,” or “I want a stable job that pays more money,” or “I want to lose weight.” I’ve heard enough of this drivel to last a lifetime. It’s reached the point where I may start carrying around a squirt gun and shoot people in the eye when they say stuff like this.

Those are crap goals. Don’t waste your time on them. And definitely don’t say them within earshot of me.

Setting such goals is the equivalent of walking into a restaurant and proclaiming, “I’m hungry. I want some food.”

First, people will look at you like you’re an idiot. They’re only doing that because you are.

Second, you won’t get fed.

If you’re lucky, someone might hand you a menu and ask you what you’d like to order. You can order off the menu, or you can concoct something creative, but either way you have to be specific. If you stand there asking for food, you’ll remain hungry.

Is this happening in your life right now? Are you standing at the Universal Restaurant, waiting for your desires to manifest, and receiving only static in response? Might the reason be that the wait staff can’t figure out what the heck you’re actually trying to order?

The Universe is extremely adept at fulfilling your desires — but only if you have the wherewithal to decide and order what you want. If you can’t do that — and it matters not what excuses you have — you will remain hungry.

Partial Manifestations

Sometimes the universe will take a stab at bringing your what you ask for. Then you reject it because, although it’s what you asked for (such as a generic “romantic partner”), it isn’t what you actually want. Then maybe the universe tries a few more times, and you continue to send back whatever it brings you. So eventually it gives up, concluding that you’re an unreasonable customer and that it’s better off spending its time and energy serving the patrons who know how to place an order properly. It says, “Ok, we’re done for now. Call me back to your table when you’ve figured out what you actually want.”

How to Order

When you set goals and intentions, place an order. Don’t ask, “Please can I…?” Simply order, much like you would in a restaurant. Say, “I’ll have the …” Then expect to receive what you order.

Don’t be timid or cowardly or uncertain. Just state your order, and expect to get it. If you screw this up, no soup for you.

Take as much time as you want to decide what to order, but when you place your order, accept what you ordered, and know that you’re going to receive it. You may have some buyer’s remorse if it’s not as good as you hoped, but that’s okay. Receive it anyway. There will always be other meals, other orders. Not everything you receive will taste like ambrosia.

Be specific in asking for what you want.

Don’t ask for more money. If you want $50K cash, then order $50K cash. Don’t ask for it. Order it.

Don’t ask for a better job. If you want to be a fashion blogger who travels around the world and gets free invites to major fashion shows and has 500,000 monthly readers, then order that.

Don’t ask for a romantic partner. If you want a geeky, vegan, bisexual, happily jobless girlfriend who gives amazing blow jobs and loves to travel, then order that. Order it loudly enough so your waiter can hear you, and people at nearby tables will say, “I didn’t know that was on the menu. I’ll have one of those too… with a twist of lemon.”

Contrast

One of the best ways to get what you actually want is to take your best guess, and order it. When you get what you ask for, it may not turn out quite right. That contrast between what you received and how you feel about it will give you a better sense of what you actually do want. Then you can make a better guess and take another stab at placing an order.

As you repeat this process, you’ll gradually hone in on what you actually desire most at a very deep level. And then you’ll get a chance to receive and experience it fully.

Realize that this is an iterative process. Don’t be a perfectionist. That’s like sitting in a restaurant for hours, trying to decide what you want, while impatient waiters periodically refill your water glass and pressure you to order something. It’s just a meal, so make a decision, get fed, and get out. Even if it turns out to be less than you hoped for, there will be plenty of other meals. The occasional bad meal is inevitable.

How to Be an Idiot Who Can’t Order at a Restaurant

What happens if you change your order before you receive it? Same thing that happens in a real restaurant. What would happen if you grabbed the waiter and changed your order before it arrived? No problem, but you’ll have to wait even longer because the waiter has to cancel the original order and then submit the new one. And if you keep doing that over and over, you’ll piss off the waiter and will never receive a meal. Have you been doing something like that in real life? Blue… no red… no blue! Ahhhh!

What happens if you order something, and then when you get it, you don’t like it? You can eat it anyway, or you can send it back. Either way, there will be other meals. You can always order again. Learn from the experience, and do your best to make a more intelligent choice next time. You may need to sample a few items from the menu to figure out what you like and don’t like. Your first order at any new restaurant may very well be your worst experience there.

What happens if you complain about the way the system works? It’s not fair! I can’t figure out what I want! I keep going back and forth between two possibilities! Stop pressuring me! You’re free to do that, but the system will process you like an idiot. Again, that’s only because you are.

If you rail against the system, it’s not going to work for you. If you can’t follow the simple rules, the system will process you like an idiot customer till you figure it out.

Here are the rules: Decide what you want, order it, receive it, and digest it. It’s not rocket science. Don’t make it complicated. It’s easier to follow the rules than it is to break them. Even a child can do it.

Your Choice

Despite the obvious drawbacks, you’re still free to behave like an idiot customer whenever you choose. You’re free to make a vague request. You’re free to change your mind every 5 minutes. You’re free to reject your order after it arrives. But of course all of those actions have consequences. If you behave stupidly, you’ll get stupid results.

Technically speaking, this isn’t a problem. The Universal Restaurant is robust enough to handle people like you. It will process you without prejudice. However, you won’t have a very good experience, and in the end you’ll be disappointed with the food and/or service. Other members of your party will also be disappointed, either with the restaurant or with you personally. No one at your table will seem to be having a good time unless you order properly. If you screw it up, you’ll ruin everyone’s evening.

This restaurant, however, is perfectly capable of preparing the most amazing gourmet meals you could ever fancy. You just have to order properly. Be specific. Be clear, direct, and confident. Be audible. And don’t keep changing your mind after you’ve placed your order.

When you receive your order, accept it with gratitude. Smell it. Taste it. Savor each delicious bite. Share it with others at your table if they’d like a taste, and taste some of their food too. It won’t be perfect, but it’s better than going hungry. Learn from the experience, and allow it to inform your future ordering decisions. Eventually you’ll become a master connoisseur of the Universal Restaurant.

Work with the rules of the Universal Restaurant to enjoy the best meals of your life. Don’t rail against the system. Don’t be a clueless customer. And don’t post negative reviews about it online.

Note: The Universal Restaurant is not to be confused with The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. I know that’s what you were thinking.

Achieve new breakthroughs in your habits, career, finances, relationships, health, and spiritual development. Register now to attend the transformational 3-day Conscious Growth Workshop in Las Vegas, January 15-17, 2010.

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Posted by ealigam

New Raising Your Vibration Audio Program

Erin recently announced the release of her new audio program Raising Your Vibration, which is based on her ebook 10 Ways to Raise Your Vibration in Under 10 Minutes. I thought it would be great to announce it here as well.

I wasn’t personally involved in producing this program, but I’ve listened to the whole thing, and I think she did a terrific job on it. I was particularly impressed by how amazing her voice sounds on the recording — others have commented on that as well.

Raising Your Vibration is designed to teach you methods to raise your vibration and enhance your mood, shifting you from low vibration states like worry, depression, fear, or anger… into higher vibration states like contentment, happiness, love, and gratitude.

For this audio program, Erin added some new information that isn’t included in her ebook. She also included two new guided meditations accompanied by relaxing New Age music. Each meditation is less than 10 minutes long, so you can easily incorporate them into your day.

The first meditation is geared to be used in the morning to begin your day with a sense of love and connection. The second meditation is intended for the evening before bed, helping you conclude your day with feelings of appreciation and gratitude. That’s the intended use, but you can actually listen to either meditation anytime you desire.

Each meditation is included on a separate track, so it’s easy to listen to them again and again.

Raising Your Vibration is available both as a downloadable MP3 and a CD. The MP3 version is $19.97 USD, and the CD version is $29.97. The CD version includes free postal mail shipping anywhere in the world.

If you purchase the MP3 version, you’ll receive a link to download it immediately. The file size is 88 MB. You can easily transfer it to an iPod or other MP3 player — even your cell phone if it can play MP3s.

Many people at the January Conscious Growth Workshop bought advance copies of Raising Your Vibration, and Erin sold many more copies after she announced it on her website about 3 weeks ago. The response from listeners has been very positive.

Here are a couple pieces of feedback Erin recently received from two happy purchasers of this program:

Your audio program is changing the way I live my life. Now when people upset me at work I can get myself back to a positive vibration quickly. I could never do that before! And the guided meditations are phenomenal. Your voice is so soothing, and I’ve been brought to tears several times during them. Thanks to your program I’ve had the most loving conversations with people in my life and I am so full of gratitude. Thank you! – Jenna Neuworth

The Love meditation and the Gratitude meditation in Erin’s CD are fantastic. I’d never done guided meditations before, and it’s definitely something I’ll explore more. If you can start your day feeling love for others, love for yourself and feeling love from the universe, you’re off to something good. And don’t underestimate the power of gratitude either, both from the people you’ve done good to, and from the people that positively impact you. It’s great to get into these two states. – Matt Lertora

A big congrats to Erin for releasing her first audio program — and her first product since she started blogging 4 years ago!

Take a moment to order your copy of Raising Your Vibration now, and enjoy higher vibrational states more consistently.

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Posted by ealigam

One Week On, One Week Off

If you’d like to boost your productivity far beyond the results you get with the 9-to-5 grind, an interesting alternative work schedule to consider is the One Week On, One Week Off approach. Instead of working week after week, you alternate between one intensive work week followed by one vacation/personal week.

This method isn’t very well publicized, but it’s commonly practiced by some of the most successful business people in the world. I first learned of it several years ago when Jay Abraham mentioned it on one of his audio programs. He said that it was a method Napoleon Hill had learned from many successful people while doing the research for Think and Grow Rich but that Hill didn’t comprehend why it was so effective and therefore didn’t integrate it into his book.

There are many variations on this method. Some people work for one week and then take two weeks off. Some do two weeks on, two weeks off. Some do one week on, three weeks off. The basic concept is that you work in fairly short intense bursts of no more than a week or two at a time (one week seems to be an upper limit for most people), followed by a period of no work for at least a week.

On Weeks

During your “on” weeks, your focus is on work, work, and little else but work. You can limit yourself to 40 hours, but it’s wise to experiment with longer hours. Try pushing yourself to do 60, 80, or even 100+ hours of work during this week. Fully engage in what you’re doing. Play full out.

Pick one project, and make a big dent in it during this time. Don’t get caught up in minor busywork. Bite off a meaningful piece of work, and get it done quickly and with solid focus.

Work hard. End your days with a feeling of being spent.

Put off distractions. You can always watch TV and surf the Internet later.

Tell yourself that it’s only a week… really just a few days… little more than a cup of coffee. The time will pass quickly if you immerse yourself in a project. Your goal is to fully engage in what you’re doing for this short period of time.

Allow yourself to become obsessed with your work during this time. Everything else can wait. Friends and social outings can wait. Family can wait. Personal tasks can wait. Recycle your dirty clothes if you must, but stick with solid work tasks during this time. Remember — it’s only a week.

Off Weeks

An “off” week is all about sharpening the saw. Let me clarify that this is NOT the same thing as having a lazy week. It’s not about taking time off and chilling out. That’s the equivalent of putting the saw down. The blade won’t get any sharper if you just put it down.

Off weeks are a time for personal renewal and fun. This is the time to really live. Go out and have a life.

Think of your off weeks as vacation weeks. Treat them as seriously as you do your work weeks. However, instead of focusing on your work life, focus all your attention on one or more aspects of your personal life.

Go travel to another city during this time. Have some fun new experiences. Go skydiving or scuba diving. Read a few new books. Go out and spend many hours with friends. Attend a workshop or seminar. Learn to dance. Do something that will enrich your life instead of just spinning your wheels.

If you have a family, consider taking a week to be with your family, giving them your full attention during this time. But don’t just sit around doing nothing. Go out and do fun activities with them each day. Travel to a new city with them. Go to the beach. Go camping. Go outside!

You can also “work” on personal projects during this time. Clean out your garage. Purge and donate unwanted items. Replant your garden.

Benefits of This Method

Why would you want to manage your life this way? Here are some of the benefits.

Motivation

Because of the time constraints, you’ll likely see a major boost in your motivation. Knowing that you’re going on vacation in a few days can help you flow through a lot of work. And knowing that your vacation week will soon end can help you pack in a lot more renewal time.

You will typically hit the start of your workweek with a strong desire to work. (If that doesn’t happen, you should definitely consider a career change.) And you’ll hit your off weeks with a strong desire to focus on your personal life for a while. Before you have a chance to start feeling demotivated and bored, it’s time to switch cycles. This keeps life fresh, interesting, and fun.

Focus

Instead of trying to work on all parts of your life in a single day or two, you focus on one important slice at a time. It’s okay to be largely unavailable for your significant other during your on weeks if you know you’ll be 100% present for him/her during an off week. This is far superior to not being fully present week after week.

Would you like it better if you had a significant other who was 100% there for you, enjoying your company for days at a time, but you also had breaks of several days where you each focused on other parts of your lives? If this sounds interesting to you, then try it. You can always switch back if you don’t like it.

Productivity

The productivity boost can be significant due to your increased motivation and focus during the work weeks. But it’s also interesting to note that your personal weeks can be just as productive. Instead of wasting your personal days on idleness, you’ll be putting those days to good use.

Also, the weekly flip-flopping helps you think more realistically in terms of planning and scheduling. You’ll be inclined to start thinking ahead and allocating certain weeks to projects, travel, etc. This is a good discipline to develop. It helps you avoid biting off more than you can chew.

In one solid week of focused work on high value tasks, you can easily exceed the normal output of two regular weeks. So even though it seems like you’re taking a lot more time off, this overall method is geared to produce a net productivity gain compared to sustained back-to-back 40-hour weeks.

Don’t overlook the positive impact this method can have on your personal life. When you work week after week and only take weekends off, it takes a huge toll on your personal life that you don’t even see. Weekends and evenings just aren’t enough to have a life outside of work. You need to devote significant chunks of time to the personal side as well. Otherwise your work will seem endless, and your motivation and passion will eventually tank, even if you normally enjoy your work.

Money

Higher productivity can easily generate an income boost. Money isn’t a result of time spent at the office. Hourly rates are largely a joke. Money flows from completing important tasks that deliver value. During your on weeks, you’ll be focused on completing meaningful projects and tasks. What can you finish before the week is up?

Also, your off weeks will give you more motivation to boost your income because that’s a great time to enjoy your money. You can expect to spend a lot more money during your off weeks, especially if you love to travel, eat out, and enjoy fun experiences that cost money. When you get a taste of what your money can do for you if you spend it wisely (to enrich your life instead of creating clutter), you’ll be more motivated to earn even more, so you can continue the pattern. Imagine how fun it would be to take one or two weeklong vacations each month — and still get more work done than you do now.

A lot of very wealthy people use this method or something similar. For example, in the personal development field, many friends of mine will put on a seminar for a week, during which they’ll work very hard, sometimes 12-16 hours per day. After that week they’re totally spent and hardly capable of productive work, even though their work is very fulfilling. So they’ll take off for a week or two or three and go travel, play golf, or spend time with their families. They try to do very little work during their off weeks. Once they’re restored they return to the office and begin working intensely on another project for a week or two, and their families don’t see them much during this time. Because they focus on high-value tasks while working, they can generate more than enough income during one solid workweek to offset a month of expenses, even while traveling and vacationing.

Balance

This method may look unbalanced at first, but it can actually create more balance in the long run because it helps ensure that you attend to your professional and your personal life without allowing one side to overpower the other.

You’ll work hard with this approach, but you’ll also play hard and have a lot of fun. Your life will become both productive and enjoyable. It feels great to be in such a state of flow.

Think of all the cool personal projects, experiences, and vacations you’d love to indulge in — if you only had the time. Well, just imagine what it would be like if you devoted 26 weeks — minimum! — to that side of your life this year.

No one is stopping you from making this a reality but you. You really hate it when I remind you that you’re 100% responsible for your results in life, don’t you?

Perspective

Alternating between your work life and personal life helps you regain perspective periodically. For example, during your work weeks, your subconscious mind will be processing some of the experiences from your last off week. How could you have enjoyed that week even more? Did you hold back? Did you overindulge?

During your off weeks, you’ll be processing many work-related ideas in the background. When you start on a fresh week, you’ll be kicking it off with a fresh perspective, inspired by new ideas. This helps you avoid getting stuck in long-term patterns that don’t serve you.

There are other benefits of course. These are just a few to get you thinking.

Personal Experiences and Some Tips

I’d like to share some extra tips based on my personal experiences that may help you avoid some pitfalls and gain some additional insights. I haven’t used this method religiously, but to the degree I’ve applied it at various times in my life (sometimes accidentally), it’s been effective. This year I’m aiming to apply it more deliberately than I have in the past. So far I’m off to a great start.

First, it’s important to keep a reasonably solid line of separation between your work weeks and personal weeks. Decide what goes in each week, and do your best to prevent cross-cycle leaks. During your on weeks, put your personal life on the back burner, and focus hard on your work. During your off weeks, do as little work as possible, and indulge deeply on the personal side.

I still check email and handle some communications during an off week, but I keep it to a minimum, ideally just 15-30 minutes per day, sometimes less. I delay any complex business communication until the next work cycle. People understand if I respond with a quick note to let them know I’m traveling and will follow up with them in a week or two.

If you’re sloppy about keeping a hard line of division between your on weeks and your off weeks, you’ll lose the benefits of immersion. It’s like getting non-restful sleep and then being a zombie the next day.

Second, don’t neglect your off weeks. This isn’t just time off to hang out and be lazy. This is an active time for growth, renewal, or completing personal projects. If you need a break or a lazy day (which is totally fine), use the weekends for that, or give yourself a down day or two between cycles. But don’t go through your off week in a semi-conscious haze of web surfing and TV watching. This is the time to really go out and have a life.

Travel is a terrific use of an off week, especially if it keeps you away from your work environment. Attending a workshop is another great use of off weeks. Even immersing yourself in computer games for the whole week is great if you love playing a certain game. Indulge fully in your personal desires — guilt-free.

Third, the perspective shifts that come from switching cycles are really powerful. They can accelerate your growth tremendously by giving you time to reflect with some distance.

During an off week, I keep getting ideas for new articles I want to write, so I’m bursting with ideas when I finally get back to work. I also gain a better perspective on which work tasks are worthwhile and which aren’t. When I have limited time for work before going on vacation again, low-value work tasks become annoying really fast because they steal time from high-value work. Low-value tasks don’t generate serious income, which means they don’t help me on the personal side either.

Emotional feedback plays an important role here. How I feel during one cycle has a lot to do with what happened during the previous cycle. If I blow my work week on trivial stuff, I don’t feel as good during an off week. I regret that I didn’t work as intelligently during the last work cycle, and it’s a little bit harder to fully enjoy the personal side. This helps me commit to a better work cycle the next time. However, since the off weeks are still guaranteed, I don’t have the option of deluding myself into thinking that I can steal time from my personal life to make up for low productivity at work.

While I’m in the midst of a workweek, I get ideas for how I can improve my next off week. For example, my girlfriend and I were a bit too indulgent food-wise during our last week together. (L.A. just has so many incredible vegan restaurants.) That can be fun every now and then, but it’s not a wise idea to do that every week we spend together. So next time we may want to tone down that aspect and incorporate more exercise (the vertical kind, that is). An overindulgent week now and then is okay, but in the long run it’s important to strive for balance. On the bright side, it became clear that we both love traveling together, and we have the flexible lifestyles to make that a reality, so we’ve been discussing other cities we might explore together this year.

Fourth, the intensity that comes from such immersion is really awesome. When you give yourself permission to blow off all personal concerns and fully immerse yourself in work for a week, it seems clear that you can get a lot done. But more important than the quantity of work is the quality of work you can produce during the times you can work for days on end without distractions.

This is especially powerful on the personal side, especially when it comes to relationships. Instead of going on dates for a few hours at a time with big gaps in between, imagine diving into a new relationship by spending days on end with each other 24/7. Consider what it would be like to go on a date — even a first date — for a whole week instead of for a single night, including sleeping together every night and sharing every meal together. That can get pretty intense, but if you can handle it, you can build a connection in a matter of days that might otherwise take months.

Applying this to dating might sound strange, but take a moment to ponder all the good practices you’d have to adopt in order to commit to a weeklong first date with someone. You’d probably get really good a pre-screening people for compatibility, so you wouldn’t have to deal with bad dates. And your communication skills will advance very quickly if you’re going to be with the same person for a full week. But since you also know the week will eventually end, it motivates you to enjoy the time spent with your partner as much as possible without taking him or her for granted.

You can use this approach with your family too. Instead of being a half-assed parent on nights and weekends because you’re burnt out from weeks of endless work, consider spending a week out of every month with your family. Give them your full attention during that time. Lately I’ve been thinking about how I might travel with my kids and explore different cities with them, especially when they’re in their teen years and capable of enjoying more of the grown-up stuff.

Fifth, the alternations are more important than the durations. It’s not that critical how many days you spend on each side. What matters most is that you keep shifting back and forth to keep your motivation for both sides sky-high.

At the start of this year, I spent a week working hard to prep for the January Conscious Growth Workshop. I also spoke at a friend’s workshop. Then I spent several days hanging out with my girlfriend Rachelle, during which time I didn’t do much work at all. Then I did the workshop, after which I felt totally spent, and less than 48 hours later I was in Puerto Rico for a weeklong leadership retreat. I gave a one-hour presentation there, but the main focus of the week was personal renewal, so it was definitely an off week for me. Next I returned to Vegas and spent more time with Rachelle, had a poker night with friends, and spent a day at Circus Circus with Erin and the kids. Then Rachelle went to Hollywood, and I worked solo in Vegas for a few days. Next I headed to Hollywood to spend a few days with her there for her birthday, “kidnapped” her back to Vegas with me for the weekend, and then returned to Hollywood to spend another week with her there. When we were in Vegas, she and I also enjoyed a night of wrestling, video games, and hide-and-go-seek with the kids, and we saw two movies and a show on the Strip.

While I was enjoying my off time, I did virtually no work. I didn’t do much blogging and spent only minimal time on communication. Most of that time Rachelle and I were busy having fun together 24/7. Last week we enjoyed a day at Disneyland, explored the L.A. Natural History Museum, strolled along Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica and the Walk of Fame in Hollywood, shared a walk along the beach under the stars, attended an L.A. social meet-up, and indulged in a lot more gourmet vegan and raw food than we should have (including a 6-course gourmet raw dinner for Valentine’s Day).

At the end of the week, Rachelle and I noted that we had committed 4 of the 7 deadly sins. During breakfast yesterday I tried to piss her off so we could check off wrath as well, but my best efforts only made her laugh at me and roll her eyes. Later that morning she definitively kicked my ass at Star Trek trivia for the second time in a row. “Khhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn!”

Today I’m back in Vegas, and after so much indulgence in my personal life, I’m filled with a renewed drive to get some serious work done, starting with this blog post. No girlfriend in town (which is good for Rachelle too because she needs to work on her next play — she’s a playwright and an actress). Then in a few more days it will be time to shift into personal mode since my family and Erin’s family are coming to town this weekend to celebrate my daughter’s 10th birthday. Wow… 10 already. They really do grow up fast.

These back-and-forth shifts don’t fall cleanly on weekly borders, and that’s okay. The benefits come from the shifting. The duration of each cycle isn’t as important as the fact that you do cycle — and cycle often.

A weekend — even a 3-day weekend — simply isn’t long enough to complete a serious renewal cycle. Six to seven days is a more realistic minimum. It normally takes a few days just to let go of work and become fully immersed in vacation mode (or personal project mode). Taking off every weekend doesn’t cut it. Think of taking a full week off as the minimum, not the maximum. You’d be surprised to learn how many people achieve awesome productivity results with cycles closer to one week on, two or three weeks off. After taking so much time off for personal renewal, they’re itching to get back to work, so their on weeks are highly productive.

* * *

If you’ve never tried this method before, I encourage you to experiment with it. If this is the first time you’ve heard about it, it may sound a bit alien. You may have a hard time grasping why it works. But don’t reject it out of hand just because you’ve been conditioned to work a certain way. For now simply let this idea sit there in the back of your mind, and reamin open to trying it at some point when that becomes realistic for you. This idea will resurface and nag at you when the time is right.

Obviously you need a flexible work schedule to pull this off, so it’s up to you to create that. Whatever you do, don’t succumb to lame-ass excuses like “My boss won’t let me.” (If you were about to blurt out some wimply, whiny, give-away-your-power crap like that, you need to read this article and then this one. And for good measure, this one too.) You chose your boss, your employer, work environment, and your work schedule after all. You can’t pretend you don’t have the freedom to make this work schedule happen if you really want it. If you want the flexibility to experiment with higher levels of productivity and a richer personal life, then you’re always free to make new choices. You’re responsible for your results in life. Are you getting the results you desire?

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Posted by ealigam

Broadcast Your Desires

Do you hide your true desires from the world?

Do you pretend you want one thing while silently desiring something else?

For example, do you desire a new lover or playmate while giving potential partners the impression that you’d like to date them first?

Do you want to be earning a lot more money while broadcasting that you’re satisfied with your current career?

Are you making your true desires abundantly clear, or are you holding them inside while broadcasting an entirely different message to the world? Are you engaging in false advertising, either by broadcasting a false desire or by failing to broadcast your true desire?

Consequences of broadcasting your desires

Don’t just write down a list of goals for yourself. Share your key goals with others. Let your friends and associates know what you desire to manifest or achieve, especially for desires that may come to you through your social circle.

When you do this, you can expect certain logical consequences.

First, some of your friends will be supportive of your new direction. They may offer suggestions, resources, or other assistance to help you get there. If you keep quiet about your goals, they can’t help you. But if you speak up, you give them the opportunity to help you move forward. And of course when your friends tell you about their goals, you can do your best to assist and encourage them as well.

On the other hand, some of your friends will respond with neutrality. Perhaps they don’t care about your new direction, or they simply can’t help you with it. This is not a problem. It’s just a situation to be accepted.

And most likely some of the people in your life will reject your new direction. For whatever reason they won’t be able to accept it. They may react with sarcasm, criticism, or other forms of non-support. This is actually beneficial to you because these people are revealing that their presence in your social circle is incongruent with your new direction, so now you know where you’ll need to make some cuts. It doesn’t matter if they’re friends or family members — they’re making it clear that they can’t accept your new direction and that they’re unwilling to support you on this journey. It’s generally a waste of time to try to convince them, so don’t get clingy. Simply let go, and drop the unnecessary drag on your forward momentum. Say to such people, “I understand that you can’t accept my new direction, but I’m doing this anyway, so if you’re going to oppose me in this, then I’m going to have to drop you from my life. Either you learn to accept this part of me, or we’ll have to each go our separate ways and let go with love, okay?”

A personal example

Several weeks ago I began expressing that I wanted to explore domination-submission as an alternative relationship model. I wanted to explore the dominant side with a woman who wanted to explore the submissive side.

As you might expect, some people in my life were supportive and encouraging of this decision, some were opposed to it, and many were neutral or simply curious to see what unfolded. From the first group, I received a lot of support, advice, and encouragement (which continues to this day). I was surprised to see how many people fell into that group. As for the second group, I really didn’t see any serious criticism except from random people who don’t even know me, so I didn’t lose any friends over it. (Actually I seemed to make more friends because of it.) But most people apparently belonged to the third group, curious to see what would happen but fairly open-minded.

In terms of what happened specifically, a woman quickly came into my life who wanted to explore the submissive side of a D/s connection. Her name is Rachelle Fordyce. She and I had met briefly at the first Conscious Growth Workshop in October 2009, but we didn’t get the chance to say more than a few words to each other back then. After I started expressing interest in D/s on Facebook in December, she got in touch with me to ask some questions about it. One thing led to another, and shortly thereafter I invited her to play together, and she agreed.

Since then Rachelle and I have been having an amazing time together. We spent a couple weeks together in January in Vegas. This week we’ve been staying in an apartment in Hollywood together.

From the beginning we did a lot of D/s play, which was very fun for both of us. However, within a week it became clear that our connection was becoming much deeper, and we ended up totally falling in love with each other. It’s hard to label our connection at this point, but boyfriend-girlfriend is close. Beyond that we might have to shrug our shoulders.

We continue to enjoy D/s role-playing, although it’s not something we do all the time. D/s is a form of play that we still both enjoy (sexual and otherwise). We easily slip in and out of those roles when the mood strikes, but lately we’ve been spending more time exploring other aspects of our connection.

Like me, Rachelle is a raw food-loving, long-term vegan (some of her family members call her Rawchelle). She doesn’t have a regular 9-5 job, so we both enjoy plenty of time freedom. She’s also a major Trekkie. I was pretty impressed when she beat me at Trek trivia several days ago; currently we’re tied at 1-1, awaiting the tiebreaker match. You can visit her Facebook page if you want to say hi to her. She is mostly human.

Lately Rachelle and I have been doing disgustingly lovey-dovey things together. On Wednesday we enjoyed a really fun day at Disneyland, and yesterday we explored the L.A. Natural History Museum. We’ve also been hitting various vegan and raw restaurants in the Hollywood area (Flore, Cru, M Cafe, etc). This weekend we’ll probably hit the west end of town and the beach.

We can’t really say where our connection is headed, but a bit of mystery just makes it all the more fun and helps us fully embrace the present moment.

It’s fair to say that if I hadn’t been willing to broadcast what I was interested in exploring, and if Rachelle hadn’t made clear her interest to me, then we might never have connected in this way. It would have been sad for us to miss out on such an amazing connection together — and for what? Fear of being judged by invisible critics?

What are your true desires?

In order to live consciously, you’ll often need to release socially conditioned habits and behaviors that don’t serve you.

For example, in the area of relationships, you don’t have to stick with the traditional dating model. If you love going out on dates, then this model may be fine for you. But if you’d really like to connect in other ways, then there’s no point in approaching new relationships from a traditional dating frame.

In a recent forum discussion, one forum member asked whether it was wise to have sex with someone on the first date. I suggested that if you simply want to have sex with someone, you can skip the first date entirely and go straight to the sex. Focus on attracting partners who want the same thing. Don’t broadcast that you want to date someone if you really just want someone to sleep with. There are many people who’d prefer to enjoy a sexual connection first without all the baggage that dating entails. Then if they enjoy the sexual chemistry, they may choose to deepen that connection. However, such people won’t know that you hold the same opinion if you keep quiet about your true desires and blindly follow socially conditioned rules.

Rachelle and I didn’t start out by dating each other. We began by discussing what we both wanted to experience in terms of D/s and sex play, including spelling out in detail some of the things we wanted to try. When we got together in person, it was easy to dive straight into the shared experiences we both wanted. Shortly after walking in the door, we were already making out. (I’ll spare you the details about the blindfold.) We did enjoy many fun dates in the weeks ahead, but only after we’d shared lots of physical intimacy together. Maybe this approach seems backwards compared to the traditional dating-then-sex model, but it worked out beautifully for us.

Since our connection began with such openness and honesty, it’s been incredibly frictionless and blissful. For example, since we know that we’re both physical affection whores, we sleep cuddled in each others’ arms, hold hands as we walk down the street, enjoy long jacuzzi nights, and smooch each other constantly. Did you know that Pirates of the Caribbean is a terrific make-out ride by the way?

Rachelle and I also love simply spending time with each other, whether we cuddle up to watch a movie or go out and do something fun. Our connection has been strong at least in part because we connected on the basis of what we both wanted to experience as opposed to blindly following a socially conditioned model of what a relationship is supposed to look like. If we followed a more traditional model, most likely we never would have connected like this at all. We’d have missed out on so much fun, happiness, and love.

Speak up!

Do you share your true desires, or do you keep them hidden?

How do you expect to manifest what you want if you’re afraid to openly broadcast that you want it?

If you can’t broadcast your desires, it’s fair to say you don’t own them yet. How can your desires become real if you can’t speak up about them? If you’re going to receive them, then let it be known. If you find it necessary to hide what you desire, that suggests you aren’t ready to receive.

Of course there will be consequences to broadcasting your desires, but one of those consequences is that you’re more likely to actually get what you want. All the seemingly negative consequences become irrelevant and meaningless when you’re enjoying the manifestation of your desires.

Do you think Rachelle and I care that some people may criticize our willingness to enjoy D/s play together? We do care — we remain open to feedback and don’t tune out the whole world — but critical comments don’t get us down. Rather such judgments have been a source of mutual amusement. We’ve shared many laughs about them, like the commenter that posted, “I just threw up in my mouth.”

Similarly, do you really think you’ll be too worried about what others think about you while your desire is sitting on your lap and smooching you passionately?

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Posted by ealigam

How You Give Your Power Away

One of the themes that repeatedly came up at the last Conscious Growth Workshop was the problem of giving your power away. Instead of focusing on your true desires, you erect false structures in front of your desires and then feed your power to those structures as a delay tactic.

Here are some typical scenarios of how people give away their power in different areas of their lives:

Relationships

Let’s say that your true desire is to be in love. You want a relationship with someone special. You want someone that you can smooch, cuddle, play with, and make love to. You want to be with someone who totally loves you just the way you are.

But instead of focusing your power on creating that, here’s what you do instead. You decide that before you can attract a new relationship, you need to get into better physical condition first. You have to “fix” your diet and hit the gym for a while. You need to lose some weight.

Or maybe you decide that in order to be more attractive, you need to get your career on track first. Maybe upgrade your finances a bit.

Or maybe you hold yourself stuck in a relationship that isn’t what you want, one that will never become what you truly, deeply desire. That relationship serves as a convenient block to keep your true desires out of reach.

The basic pattern is that you decide something else has to happen first before you can attract the relationship you truly desire. However, those extra steps you add to the process are not absolute prerequisites for your desire. You’re using them as excuses, creating unnecessary roadblocks to delay yourself from receiving what you want in the present moment. You push your goal into an imaginary future instead of allowing it to come to you right now.

Career

Suppose your true desire is to do work that fulfills and inspires you. And you want to do it in a way that’s practical, grounded, and financially sustainable. You want to make a positive difference in the world. You want to contribute and to feel good about it. You want to feel passionate and motivated while working. You want to express your creativity and enjoy positive, worthy challenges.

But instead of using your power to create that, you stick with unfulfilling work to make ends meet. You feed your power to your bills, as if those small pieces of paper somehow control your destiny for the near future (which includes ALL of your present reality). You use your bills as artificial barriers to delay you from experiencing what you actually desire. Do you realize how stupid that is?

Alternatively, you might feed your power to a vision of building a new business that you believe can make you a lot of money. Once you achieve a certain degree of financial abundance, you tell yourself, then you can use your wealth to finally have some breathing room to figure out your purpose, do what you love, and make a real contribution. Step 1: Become a worthy millionaire. Step 2: Do something more rewarding and fulfilling.

Dork!

I often see very bright young people obsessing over grand plans for a career path they believe will make them rich. When they tell me their plans, I usually get nauseous. Most of the time their plans are heartless. Stupid MLM crap is common, not to mention lots of ideas for me-too Internet businesses that don’t really need to exist. The whole scheme is centered around trying to make as much money as possible, so they can eventually cash out and later do what they love and make a difference. They feed their power to these false plans as a delay tactic, so they can avoid summoning the courage to start making a difference right now. It’s a cowardly ploy, a classic case of giving one’s power away.

Social Life

Suppose your true desire is to be surrounded by friends and family that uplift, encourage, and support you. You want to be around like-minded people who are smart, fun, and happy. You want to hang out with people who empower you.

But instead using your power to create that, you feed it into your existing disempowering relationships. You obsess over what others think about you, people who really don’t encourage you to be your best self anyway. You worry about what your Mom thinks about you. By clinging to disempowering relationships of any kind, including blood relationships, you block yourself from receiving what you truly desire. Seriously… who the hell cares what your Mom thinks anyway? Let her live her own life. You go live yours.

Alternatively, you may feed your power into relationships with your TV or your computer instead of real face-to-face connections with human beings.

Again, the pattern is giving your power away to something you don’t even want as opposed to channeling all of your power into what you desire. When you feed your desires, you simultaneously starve your non-desires. If your Mom keeps sending you critical emails that bring you down, simply flag her email address as a spammer and be done with her. Then go out and recruit fresh social connections with people who are willing to support and encourage you along the paths you wish to explore. Be loyal to those who are supportive of your desires, not to those who do the opposite.

Stop Creating False Prerequisites

The idea of feeding your power to your desires is incredibly simple. All you need to do is decide what you want and then focus your thoughts, feelings, and actions on those desires. Identify your desires and then run straight at them. Be totally shameless about it. Intellectually this is not a difficult concept to understand, is it?

Please take note that moving directly towards your desires is not remotely the same as erecting all sorts of silly prerequisites in the way of your desires.

Sure some goals involve multiple steps, but let’s get real for a moment. Are your plans clogged with steps that are not absolute prerequisites for getting what you ultimately desire?

Losing weight and getting in shape are not prerequisites for attracting a deeply loving relationship with someone you’re incredibly attracted to. This is not even close to being true. If you need proof, simply go outside and look around for a bit. This line of thinking is nothing but a silly limiting belief. If you want to attract a wonderful relationship, you can begin feeding your power to that right now in this very moment. There is no need to block it. Nothing else needs to happen first.

Making millions of dollars is not a prerequisite for doing what you love and fulfilling your life purpose. Nor is having all your bills paid. Nor is being debt-free. You can start doing what you love today. Nothing else needs to happen first. Imagine if Gandhi or Mother Teresa or Jesus said, “I really need to find a way to make millions of dollars. If I only had enough money, I’m sure I could get something going here.” Maybe you should follow their lead and stop trying to use money as a substitute for real power and courage.

Improving all your broken, disempowering relationships is not a prerequisite for attracting an amazing social life. Your social skills don’t need to be upgraded either. You can simply let go of the dysfunctional relationships and immediately begin feeding your power to create the social life you desire. Nothing else needs to happen first.

I repeat: Nothing else needs to happen first!

Why You Give Your Power Away

Fear.

That’s the main reason. We fear the consequences of our power. Sometimes we fear the responsibility that comes with power.

You may not feel ready to wield so much power. When you realize that you can manifest your desires quickly and definitively when you go after them directly, it’s a bit of a head trip. It takes a while to get used to a reality in which your desires manifest so quickly and so strongly. Consequently, it’s very tempting to redirect your power into creating false delays and phony obstacles in the form of prerequisites, so you can satisfy yourself with the illusion of progress, even though you’re just spinning your wheels and going in circles.

I’ve been guilty of this too of course. I make the same stupid mistakes in this area that everyone else does. For a long time I wanted to do public workshops. But it always seemed like something else had to happen first. I need to build a product line first, so I can have something to sell in the back of the room. I need to build a staff first. I need to lose a bit more weight first. By feeding my power to those phony prerequisites, I was able to delay doing workshops indefinitely. There was always something else to occupy my time and attention — and to drain my power away. Consequently, when I used my power this way, the workshops never happened.

Eventually I realized what I was doing, saw through the phony prerequisites, and acknowledged that I could make a workshop a reality if I fed my power to that desire directly. So I did that. At that point the fake prerequisites dropped away, and I began working through the real steps to make this desire happen, like booking a venue, selling tickets, and designing the workshop content.

Notice the difference between real action steps and phony delay tactics. In the first case, you’re feeding your power to your true desires. In the second case, you’re feeding your power to something other than your true desires — some kind of false idol like the perfect body or more money.

The question you have to answer is whether or not you feel ready to channel your power directly into your desires and thereby attract, experience, and enjoy those desires in short order. If you aren’t ready to take your life to that level, that’s okay, but it’s better to acknowledge that you don’t feel ready yet and to maintain a conscious holding pattern as opposed to pretending you’re ready and then creating false subgoals that drain your power and waste your energy.

Resistance Is Futile

When you get used to feeding your power to your desires, resistance takes on a very different role. Instead of feeling disempowered by that which seems to block you from your goals, you’ll find that any resistance simply serves to strengthen you. Resistance becomes resistance training.

Resistance only becomes a block when you feed your power to the resistance instead of your desires.

It takes a bit of practice to keep redirecting your power towards your desires instead of automatically feeding it into resistance and thereby creating artificial blocks. But it’s a worthy practice to be sure.

For example, when I announced at the start of this year that I intended to explore domination and submission, some people were resistant to it. No surprise there. I could have fed my power to that resistance and let it slow me down, but instead I used that resistance as a form of personal training. If people took issue with what I was getting into it, I often played back at them. I would often tease them about it… see if I could uncover a few more buttons they needed to have pushed. This helped me release any lingering internal resistance to the idea and to become increasingly congruent with it. The more people resisted what I was doing, the more it gave me a chance to practice dominance with them (such as by teasing them and pushing their buttons), and the more power I channeled into my actual desires. This might sound a bit strange, but it’s incredibly effective. I basically took the energy other people sent my way and re-channeled it in the direction of my desires.

Yummy

By feeding my power to my desires and by using resistance as training (instead of as disempowering criticism), my desires have been manifesting so quickly in this area it’s been making me ridiculously happy. I won’t get into all the details, but suffice it to say that she’s absolutely yummy.

Now what sense does it make to fuss over losing a few more pounds, paying down your debts, or worrying about what other people might think *before* you give yourself full permission to feed your power to your desires?

Perhaps if you’d spent more time focusing on and creating what you truly desire instead of feeding your power to false prerequisites, you wouldn’t be stuck with so many disempowering burdens right now.

Where did those extra pounds come from anyway? Were you trying to use food as an emotional substitute for what you really want???

Where did that debt come from? Were you trying to buy your way to happiness maybe??? Or possibly overspending on an unnecessary college degree as a false prerequisite for doing what you love???

Where did all those disempowering relationships come from? Were you trying to substitute shallow and/or negative connections for true intimacy and love???

Does it sting a bit to realize that you’re the one — the only one in fact — who’s been piling all the crap onto your own plate. You’re the one who created the extra weight and the debt. You’re the one who keeps choosing to maintain the disempowering relationships in your life. You’re the one who keeps showing up to do unfulfilling, uninspiring work.

Making the Shift

There are no prerequisites for using your power to create what you desire. Stop blocking yourself. Stop feeding energy into what you don’t want.

I had a major, major shift in my thinking when I was $150,000 in debt, roughly 11 years ago. I’d spent years feeding my power to that debt, making it into something big and real. One day it finally dawned on me just how insane it was to keep feeding my energy into something that made me feel weak and helpless. I’d been giving that debt the power to take over and run my whole life. In that moment I decided I would no longer give that debt my power. So I actually started ignoring it. I re-channeled my power into my creative output, and I wrote a cool new computer game during that time. I changed my phone number, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the 10+ daily phone calls from creditors. Several months later I declared bankruptcy. I couldn’t afford a lawyer, so I did all the paperwork myself. I actually found that to be an empowering process because I channeled my power into the vision of being debt-free and financially stable. The bankruptcy eliminated the debt and gave me the fresh start I needed. Eventually this allowed me to figure out how to run a financially successful business (and then another one after that), which enabled me to pump significantly more value back into the economy than the original debt withdrew. And the turnaround began with learning to channel my power and energy directly into my desires, regardless of external circumstances.

It’s perfectly fine to have lots of different goals and desires, but don’t create false structures whereby you make one goal an unnecessary prerequisite for another. Allow the whole bundle of your desires to manifest simultaneously. That’s a lot more fun — and much more fulfilling and creative — than artificially linearizing the process to slow yourself down.

I’m often amused at life’s little quirks when it comes to how desires manifest. For example, when I dropped the idea that I had to lose a few pounds before I could attract a new relationship, a very yummy partner showed up. And the funny thing is that by spending so much time with her, I dropped a few more pounds last month without even trying. Sometimes I was just too busy enjoying our connection to have time to eat. And there was no point in eating for emotional reasons because she’s a lot more emotionally stimulating than any food I can imagine, despite the fact that she makes the most delicious raw vegan delights.

Where are you giving your power away? What false prerequisites have you put in place to block you? What path would you take if you had unlimited courage? What’s stopping you from welcoming your desires into your life right now, regardless of circumstances?

Courage or Cowardice

When you feed your power *directly* into your desires, progress can be very rapid. But when you shrink from your desires, you substitute cowardice for courage. Courage manifest results. Cowardice manifests non-results.

How much longer are you going to settle for non-results? How much longer will you keep applying the cowardly approach of feeding your power to something other than what you truly, deeply desire?

Do you really need the perfect body right now? Do you really need more money? Or are your true desires elsewhere?

What kinds of life experiences have you been putting off? What sorts of goals always seem to get shoved to the bottom of your to-do list, drowning in false prerequisites? What would you finally do if you already had the perfect body and unlimited financial abundance? Start feeding your power to those desires right now.

If you want to travel, then feed your power into travel. Start planning and scheduling your first trip today. Buy a ticket. Make a reservation. Set a date for a road trip. Ask around till you find a free couch you can sleep on. You don’t need to get rich first. Just go do it, and stop piling unnecessary crap in front of that desire.

If you want a new relationship partner, then tell the whole world what you’re looking for. Don’t keep it a secret. Don’t feed your power to some people’s adverse reactions. Boldly and unashamedly proclaim what you want. If anyone has an issue with it, tease them about it. Own your desires. How else will your potential partner know you’re looking for someone just like him/her? If you want someone yummy to cuddle at night, then feed your power directly into that.

Ultimately the advice in this article is very simple and very straightforward. However, it’s sadly uncommon in its proper application. Rest assured that I will continue to beat you over the head with these ideas until you start applying them. Moreover, as long as you continue feeding your power to what you don’t actually want while seeking validation for time served on the wrong path, I shall do my best to continue serving as an obnoxiously irritating personal example of how to apply the principle of power to attract what I actually desire.

And I shall continue to enjoy her yumminess.

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Posted by ealigam

2010 Conscious Growth Workshops

Our second Conscious Growth Workshop January 15-17 was another amazing weekend of fun and personal breakthroughs. It was a real treat to see so many conscious growth enthusiasts coming together in one place.

CGW #3, 4, and 5

We’re already in the process of booking the next 3 CGWs for the remainder of 2010. All of these will be held in Las Vegas. This info is still very tentative, but I wanted to give you a heads up since many people have been inquiring about future workshop dates.

Most likely CGW #3 will be May 14-16, 2010 (Fri-Sun).

CGW #4 will probably be in July or August.

CGW #5 will most likely be in October. This will be the last CGW for 2010.

Depending on meeting room availability, we’re looking to hold all three of these at the Flamingo Hotel, ideally in the same ballroom as CGW #2.

As soon as we’ve confirmed the dates, we’ll start selling tickets. That should happen sometime in February.

Keeping in Touch

If you’d like to keep in touch with other CGW attendees after the workshop, feel free to take advantage of the Conscious Growth Workshop discussion forum. You can exchange contact info with other attendees to stay in touch. Many CGW attendees befriend each other on Facebook.

CGW #2 Feedback

If you attended CGW in January 2010, i’d love to get your feedback on what you thought of it and how it impacted you. I spent many hours poring over the feedback from CGW #1 to make improvements to CGW #2, and I plan to use the same iterative process to improve CGW #3, 4, and 5.

Here are some of the questions I’m curious about:

Which specific topics were most relevant and helpful to you (i.e. career, finances, habits, relationships, etc)?
What did you think of the written exercises? Were they helpful to you?
What did you think of the various creative exercises (i.e. Master and servant, trans-dimensional channeling, sharing unconditional love)? Would you have liked more creative exercises?
What did you think of the power challenges? Did you push yourself? Did your accountability partners help you? Did you find value in these exercises?
What did you think of the one-on-one work on stage? Was it helpful for you? Do you feel it was worth spending about 30 minutes per person for these segments? Would you have preferred that we cut some of these segments in order to allocate the time differently?
What did you think of the partner sharing? Was it helpful to you and your partners? Would you have preferred more partner sharing or less?
What did you think of the group sharing and feedback? Were these segments helpful to you?
What were your favorite parts of the workshop? What were your least favorite parts? What do you think we could improve?
What did you think of the location and venue (Las Vegas, the Flamingo, the specific room we were in)?
What did you think of the overall structure (Day 1 = principles, Days 2 and 3 = application)? Do you think there’s a better structure we could use?
What did you think of Erin’s guided meditation on the end of the last day?
What did you think of the other attendees? Did you make new friends at CGW? Do you expect to keep in touch with anyone you met there?
What did you think of your interactions with our staff/helpers?
What did you think of the overall experience? How would you rate it on a scale of 1-10?
How did this workshop impact you personally? Did it help you in your path of growth?
What did you think of the price? Do you feel you received a good value from it?
Would you recommend this workshop to someone else?
Would you be interested in attending more workshops from us? If so, what topics are most relevant to you?

I realize this is a long list of questions, so don’t feel like you have to answer all of them. I’m mainly interested in what you feel is the most important feedback we should consider for improving future CGWs.

Even if you post your feedback online (some bloggers have already posted their reviews), I’d really appreciate it if you could send me your feedback through my contact form. That way I can compile it all in one place.

And remember, this is for posterity, so… be honest.

Only 48 hours after CGW #2 ended, I was in Puerto Rico to attend a weeklong retreat for the Transformational Leadership Council. I gave a presentation there to help other transformational leaders build more web traffic, so they can get their positive messages into the hands of even more people. I also attended an amazing session on accelerated learning, and I’ll be incorporating many of those ideas to create a more immersive learning experience for future workshops.

Whereas CGW #1 had a major transformative effect on me personally (something I did not expect to happen), CGW #2 served mainly as reinforcement that I’m very happy with my current course and that I simply want to keep doing what I’m doing.

Hope to see you at a future CGW!

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Posted by ealigam

How to Build a Stronger Ego

There’s a notion that’s been spread around the spiritual side of the self-help field that suggests one of our primary aims in life should be ego-less enlightenment, a state where we achieve near-perfect inner peace, where we’re one with everything but attached to nothing, and where nothing in the physical world can knock us off balance.

This creates some personal challenges for me because whenever I write about anything remotely spiritual in nature (and sometimes even when I don’t), some readers assume I’m one of the guys promoting this same sort of ideal. Then they question why my behavior doesn’t seem consistent with it.

My behavior isn’t consistent with the pursuit of ego-less enlightenment because I have no interest in that path. If other people find value in it, that’s their choice, but I find other paths of development to be much more practical and fulfilling, both for myself and for others I’ve observed over the years.

Do you really want to kill your ego?

Do you even want to weaken it?

In this case I’m using the word ego to refer to your physical world identity, mainly your personality and sense of self. I’m not referring to ego in the sense of being arrogant, such as when people say, “So-and-so has a big ego.”

Many spiritual seekers claim it’s wise to weaken the ego as much as possible. The ones who really go all out with this idea give away all their possessions, shave their heads, and spend their days meditating and doing chores, striving to burn away any last bits of attachment to their previous identities.

But most people who claim to pursue this path have mixed feelings about it, so they hold themselves in a state of limbo. They can’t get themselves to progress on the ego-empowering path, so they don’t take strong steps to advance in their careers or make much more money — that would be too ego-based for their spiritual beliefs. On the other hand, they can’t get themselves to relinquish all attachment to their identities and their stuff, so they strive to get by with a sense of minimalism. But they’re never really satisfied living in this halfway space, so quite often their “spiritual practice” devolves into attacking others they believe are more ego-based than they are. It temporarily makes them feel better about themselves.

Often the people stuck in this middle place maintain careers with pseudo-spiritual associations such as being a healer, massage therapist, yoga instructor, tarot card reader, astrologer, etc., but the one thing they usually have in common is that they’re borderline broke most of the time.

This is a very half-assed approach to enlightenment. From what I’ve observed in those who attempt it, it just doesn’t work. It leads to long-term stagnation. You can find whole communities of bloggers like this, and they seem to spend much of their time writing posts that express frustration and judgment at everything they dislike about the world. Meanwhile, they do nothing tangible to make the world any better.

You may want to question whether or not you really want to weaken your ego. Is that truly a wise idea? Sure it’s a popular piece of religious dogma, but is it really how you want to live? Does it even make sense?

Building a stronger ego

Instead of weakening your ego, let me suggest an alternative approach that works really well for me, one that will allow you to avoid stagnation… not to mention bitter blogger syndrome.

Build an even stronger ego.

Your ego is your character, an important part of your human avatar. If you try to weaken your ego, you’re simply weakening your character. Do you really want to devolve into a sidelined NPC (non-player character)? Or would you rather build out a really strong character with well-defined attributes?

How does it serve you — or anyone else — to play the game of life with a weak character? Are you really doing much good by checking out from life and cocooning yourself in a mini-monastery?

Instead of trying to weaken your ego, consider what good you might achieve with it instead. How would you like to develop your character during your time here on earth?

Let me offer you some ideas to get you thinking…

Character-building ideas

Honesty – See how honest and open you can make your character. Be honest in your dealings with others. Stop pretending and hiding who you are. Share yourself openly with the world.

Courage – Continually push yourself to face your fears instead of shrinking from them. This will give your character more options.

Exploration – Experiment. Learn by trial and error. Step into the unknown and learn by doing. Develop an ego that loves to dive in and explore new things.

Service – Tune your ego in the direction of serving others, such that the stronger your ego becomes, the more you push yourself to help people. Make service to others part of your identity.

Acceptance – When you accept yourself as having a strong ego, you’ll be more willing to accept other strong people into your life as well instead of feeling you need to attack the strong in order to justify your own weakness.

Discipline – Develop an ego that identifies itself with good habits like regular exercise and solid productivity.

Connection – Develop your social skills, so you can connect with others easily. Learn how to surround your ego with social support that helps to refine you positive character qualities while chipping away at your unwanted attributes.

Notice that since these are character qualities, they can’t be taken away from you. You may lose your possessions, job, relationships, etc., but your character qualities are yours to keep.

Intelligence, not enlightenment

My gold standard for conscious living isn’t enlightenment. It’s intelligence.

In this case I define intelligent living as having three main components:

1) Developing a progressively more accurate model of reality and living in accordance with it.

If you’re living intelligently, then as a general rule, you should find that life becomes progressively easier and your results get measurably better as your mental model of reality gradually becomes more accurate.

When you encounter a spiritual teacher who can’t pay his/her electric bill, I’d say something is off.

2) Deliberately engineering your social environment to actively support you in fulfilling your desires.

We humans are very social creatures. Your environment plays a huge role in your development. Unfortunately most of us find ourselves with rather unsupportive social circles when we try to stretch and grow. We have the power to change that, however. We can drop the connections that don’t support our continued development and invite new connections that do. This is a significant growth accelerator.

It isn’t intelligent to remain stuck with an unsupportive social circle. Place your loyalty not with your pity posse but with your highest vision of yourself, and surround yourself with people who can help you support that vision. The first step is to say no to connections with those people who reject your vision. Hang out with people who will help you develop a strong, positive, service-oriented ego, not a frustrated one.

Don’t become obsessed with trying to transcend your feelings towards people who consistently bring you down. Just drop the nay-sayers and move on. Saying “I’m done with you” once can be more effective than having to say “I forgive you” a dozen more times. This creates the space where new connections can come into your life, the kind that will have you saying, “Thank you so much!” dozens of times instead.

When you’re living intelligently, you won’t settle for social connections that drain you. You’ll consciously build ample social support and resources for pursuing your goals and fulfilling your desires. You will notice that over time, your life becomes increasingly abundant.

3) Getting stronger.

Intelligence seeks its own improvement.

If you’re on a path of intelligent living, you should find your character growing increasingly capable. You should see yourself progressively building courage and overcoming more and more fears such as fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, and fear of success. You’ll learn to stop giving your power away and take your foot off the brake pedal.

Engage with life

Checking out from life and trying to pursue ego-less enlightenment may be popular in certain spiritual circles, but it’s not a path I recommend, especially after witnessing the long-term results of many of the practitioners, not to mention the behind-the-scenes inconsistencies of certain proponents. It’s a path that can feel comforting at first because it gives you permission to avoid many of your fears instead of facing them. You can shrink away from life instead of boldly pushing yourself. You don’t have to stand out much. You can simply sit still and quiet your mind. There are many benefits to meditation of course, but don’t let the practice turn into escapism.

I think you’ll find it much more beneficial to relate to life on the basis of ego development as opposed to ego destruction.

Ego destruction is slow suicide. It’s yet another version of giving your power away. As long as “become ego-less” remains on your spiritual to-do list, you can use it to distract yourself from facing the real life challenges that scare you… like stretching yourself to go out and make a real difference in the world instead of escaping into the land of make-believe enlightenment.

Having a strong ego is not in conflict with inner peace. Inner peace doesn’t mean being passive. You can be quite active and engaged with life and still feel very peaceful and centered on your path.

Part of the reason ego-less living has so many people pushing it is that it’s a control strategy. People with strong egos are harder to control. If a religious leader wants to be surrounded by a bunch of loyal followers, it’s much easier to do that while encouraging all the followers to shed their egos. Then standing up to the leader can be called out as an act of ego and therefore something that the culture itself will repress, thereby keeping the leader in charge. However, this structure stunts the leader’s growth as well if the leader must pretend to be upholding the same ego-less standard that’s being preached to the followers.

Own your character

Again, having a strong ego doesn’t mean putting yourself above others. But it’s perfectly fine to take complete ownership of your character and express your pleasure with what you’ve developed so far. That’s much better than being secretly ashamed of your character, isn’t it?

There are limitless ways to grow your character, and where you take your character’s development is for you to decide. But when you catch yourself criticizing others for the choices they’ve made, consider that perhaps you’re giving your power away to them because you aren’t satisfied with the character development choices you’ve been making. Stop fussing over other people’s egos, and direct your attention back on your own to see where you need to improve.

When done consciously it can be fun to develop your character. You can shop from a vast menu of new skills to learn and character attributes to develop. Do you want to build a character who’s very brave? Very physical? Very social? Very musical? The choice is yours. You can even dress up your avatar with a little extra bling if you’d like.

When I blogged about fashion a few months ago, I saw comments from a few people on Twitter and Facebook to the effect of, Well, Steve… this is a rather ego-driven pursuit. And I thought, Well of course it is! Is that supposed to be a bad thing???

I’ve been writing this post from my hotel room in Puerto Rico. I’m here for a weeklong leadership retreat for the Transformational Leadership Council. When I got in late last night, I exchanged hugs with about a dozen TLC members in the lobby. Several of them gushed over how much they liked my new hair. By making a small change to my avatar, it created a fun shift in the way people relate to me, even people who already know me. But prior to making this change, I was one of those guys who could criticize others for fussing over their appearance. It took me a while to realize that I was giving my power away to others so as to avoid taking full ownership of my own avatar’s appearance.

It’s very easy to give our power away and use it to feed criticism of others. It’s much more challenging — but a lot more beneficial — to channel our power into creating what we desire, including the myriad ways we can develop our characters’ potential.

Are you taking full ownership of your character? Where do you catch yourself criticizing others for being too ego-driven? What does that say about the character attributes you’ve been refusing to develop in yourself? Are you bothered by people who are super confident, very focused, very attractive, financially abundant, successful in relationships, super healthy, etc? Stop giving your power away to other people’s egos, and reclaim 100% responsibility for developing those aspects of your own character. It will take time to be sure, but you won’t get there faster by succumbing to denial.

Even though your truest identity is the consciousness behind your ego and not the ego itself, that doesn’t invalidate the reasons for building a strong and capable ego as your primary means of interacting with the physical world. A underdeveloped ego won’t do your consciousness much good anyway; a weak ego will only limit the range of experiences that are possible for you, thereby stunting your conscious growth. So don’t be so quick to buy into the notion that ego-less enlightenment is an intelligent spiritual ideal. Consider that building a stronger ego may be the more intelligent, heart-centered choice for you.

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Posted by ealigam

Domination-Submission and Personal Growth

I want to share some thoughts on an interesting dynamic I’ve been observing as I continue to explore domination and submission (D/s) with my consensual slave partner.

A key aspect of personal growth is that in order to grow, we must stretch beyond our comfort zones and experience something new. If we stay within our comfort zones and stick to the familiar, we deny ourselves the opportunity for expansion. Yet we don’t know for certain how new possibilities will impact us until we dive in and experience them.

Many years ago I thought about being an entrepreneur. Since I’d never done it before, I couldn’t be sure if I’d like it or if I’d be good at it. It was outside my comfort zone. When I tried it, it turned out that I liked it and got good at it, so of course I stuck with it. But what if I never tried it because I was too worried it wouldn’t work out? Many people are in a similar situation right now, hesitant to make a move into the exploration of the unknown.

What if there were an easier way to try out some bold new experiences but with a lower risk of failure?

For example, what if you had a free-working slave at your disposal to help you start a new business, someone who will gladly do anything you ask for no pay? Would that make it easier to succeed at getting the new business up and running? Of course it would, assuming that your slave is reasonably competent. You could focus on making good decisions and command your slave do most of the implementation work. You could be a lot more productive than if you tried to do everything yourself. A free slave would take much of the burden off your shoulders.

On the other hand, what if instead of a slave, you recruited a free manager for your new business, someone competent, focused, and disciplined? Your manager makes all the high-level decisions and tells you exactly what to do step by step. You don’t have to think about strategy. You can simply trust your manager and focus on taking daily action. Your manager observes the effectiveness of your actions and continually adjusts course and coaches you to improve. Might that business also be more likely to succeed?

So would you agree that all else being equal, you’d be more likely to succeed as an entrepreneur if you could start your business with either a free slave or a free manager, assuming they’re competent? And if you can see in advance that you’re likely to succeed, wouldn’t you be more willing to dive in and try it? Wouldn’t you also be willing to stretch and take more risks in your business?

Now consider this. Would these businesses also be good experiences for the slave and the manager? Could you fathom that they might also benefit tremendously from it. For example, what if the slave is, in real life, someone just starting out on their career path, and even though they work for free, they gain tremendously valuable experience. This “slave” is essentially an intern. Similarly, the manager could be thought of as a mentor or board member.

Many variations are also possible, whereby the slave and manager could easy share in the rewards of the business.

Hopefully you get the idea. The point is that a partnership with an unequal power structure can have some serious advantages, and it could very well turn out much better than a partnership with two equal partners who share responsibility for all decisions and actions in a more balanced way.

Well, this is essentially how a D/s relationship works behind the scenes, except that instead of trying to build a business, the partners come together to help each other grow as human beings.

Although it looks asymmetrical on the surface, D/s actually has a very balanced way of fostering new growth experiences for both partners. One simple reason this happens is that it reduces the risk of failure. It also creates a dynamic whereby if a failure experience does happen, it’s no big deal.

Dominant Perspective

For the dominant person, you have the opportunity to wield total control over another person. This means you can create all sorts of new experiences “by your command.” Your free slave gives you more power and more creative options.

Now initially, you may use that power to create all the experiences you know you want to try but never had the chance to do yet. And maybe you’ll also try many familiar things that you know for certain you like. You may want to explore whatever feels good to you.

But after you’ve done that, if you keep repeating those same experiences in the same way, it will probably become less and less interesting. So you keeping adding new things to try. Eventually as you keep going, you hit the edge of your comfort zone. Now you have the opportunity to progress beyond it. Will you use your power to create an experience with your slave that you aren’t sure you’ll like? Will you use your power to explore a whole new world of possibilities? Your extra power gives you the opportunity to do that with much less risk.

With a free slave at your disposal, you can take more risks and try new things that you couldn’t justify trying without the free slave.

Also, it makes sense to help your slave become a more capable and competent servant. By helping your slave grow, you increase your slave’s power, thereby allowing you both to experience even more together. A highly competent slave is more useful than a novice slave.

Submissive Perspective

On the submissive side, you get the experience of being commanded. Initially you may be commanded to do many things that are still within your comfort zone. However, your Master can also command you to do things that lie outside your comfort zone, thereby creating new growth experiences, should you choose to accept them. Remember that since this is a consensual arrangement, you’re always free to decline something that feels wrong for you.

While you don’t have the power to decide how your Master manages you, you do have the ability to influence your Master in many ways. You can encourage him/her to push you in the ways you most desire to explore. But more importantly, you are still in charge of your overall experience because you’re choosing to enter into this type of relationship.

This is similar to the choice an intern makes. Interns don’t control every detail of their growth experience in terms of what specific tasks will be assigned, but they do choose the overall experience by deciding where to intern. And they may be better off doing that anyway. When entering a new field, someone else may be better qualified to manage the intern’s professional growth for a while, like an experienced manager or mentor.

It’s a Lot Like Life

It’s interesting that regardless of whether you choose to be on the dominant side or the submissive one, the potential to accelerate your personal growth is there.

I’m not saying it’s a bad choice to have an equal partner. An equal partner can have certain advantages too. I’m simply pointing out that there are some very interesting growth opportunities that arises from relationships with an asymmetrical power exchange.

We could also discuss what can go wrong with such an arrangement, but that isn’t unique to D/s relationships. An equal partnership entails at least as much risk a D/s relationship… and perhaps even more risk if the shared responsibilities become murky and unclear.

Going back to our business start-up example, if you were going to watch two equally competent people start a new business, and you have to make a bet on who would enjoy the greatest success, which of the three would you bet on?

A new business with two equal partners with shared responsibility for making decisions and taking action
A business whereby one partner works as the manager and makes all the key decisions, and the other partner works as the slave and implements all of the manager’s decisions.

That’s an interesting bet, isn’t it?

The most accurate answer is probably, “It depends.” But surely you can imagine scenarios in which the second business model would outperform the first. I certainly can, especially since the manager and the slave have the potential to specialize their skill sets instead of each of them trying to become good at everything.

And naturally we can come up with hybrid models that are somewhere in the middle between these two extremes.

We end up with similar possibilities when we ask these same questions about human relationships in general.

Forget All About Equality

D/s creates some interesting opportunities for helping each other learn and grow in ways that are less likely to be experienced in an power-balanced partnership.

As I get to know my partner better, I see things in her that I can tell she’d like to explore and express, and by commanding her, I give her “permission” to explore those things. She doesn’t have to feel responsible for going there because I’m assuming responsibility on her behalf. If it doesn’t feel good to her, she’s always free to say no. But if she isn’t sure if she’ll like it or not, the command nudges her to go for it and see how it feels to her. I can push her in ways she’d probably never push herself. I can see potential within her that she doesn’t realize is there.

Similarly, she can push me in new directions by giving me feedback that draws out new behaviors from me, such as by playfully teasing me or by how she responds to my commands. And I’m willing to try new things with her because after all, I have total control of her anyway, so I can do whatever I want with her. I don’t have to worry about scaring her off because I know she’ll stop me if I do something that’s a problem for her.

Consequently, she and I are both gracefully sliding into the space of doing things with each other that we’ve never done before. Through this power exchange dynamic, we’re helping each other to let go and play freely together. We’re exploring new possibilities. We’re trying out new behaviors. How does it feel to us to do things that are more playful? More sensual? More emotional? More erotic? More naughty? Because she and I are both committed to conscious growth, we can use the D/s power exchange to achieve personal breakthroughs that might otherwise never happen in a more vanilla relationship.

I think one of the reasons D/s works so well is that it’s based on total and complete acceptance of each other. The submissive accepts the dominant’s authority fully, so there’s no resistance or lack of acceptance there. And similar the dominant accepts complete responsibility for and ownership of the submissive, so again there’s no resistance. With unconditional acceptance on both sides, each partner gains the freedom to relax and let loose, knowing they don’t have to worry about rejection or judgment. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to explore such things whilst knowing that your partner is completely loyal to you and fully accepting of you no matter what?

Let’s Play…

Sharing comfort-zone-busting growth experiences is fun and exciting, and that excitement can easily spread to others. My slave, for example, has been posting in our discussion forums with an anonymous account for the past several days, playfully calling me Master, interacting with other members, and playfully teasing people who try to guess her real life identity. This gives everyone a chance to see how we interact with each other and gain a better understanding of D/s. I think it’s obvious to people that she and I are having fun together and that we’re happy with a D/s-style dynamic for now, and based on how other forum members have been reacting to her presence, it’s clearly contagious.

Perhaps an even more important point is to be careful not to dismiss a potential new growth experience out of hand. Be cautious about judging what you’ve never experienced or what you’ve experienced only in a limited way. If you’ve never experienced a particular dynamic firsthand, it’s safe to say you don’t have a clue what it’s really like. If you cast judgment from the outside looking in, all you’re doing is limiting yourself. I think it’s better to keep an open mind about that which you’ve never tried. Don’t buy into the social conditioning that encourages you to pre-condemn with prejudice. Our society cannot progress much until we drop such limiting thoughts.

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Posted by ealigam

Domination and Submission

As I mentioned in my 2010 Focus post, my personal focus for this year involves immersing myself in the fun and exciting world of domination and submission (D/s). (I really love my life!) Now one obvious question I’ve been asked a few times is: What the heck does this have to do with personal development?

Once you get past the socially conditioned attitude that D/s is somehow naughty or deviant, you’ll find that it has a tremendous amount to do with personal development. Let’s start with some of the most basic elements and go from there.

Body Image

First, when you consciously explore your sexuality with other people, body image issues are bound to come up.

What is all this extra fat doing on me? Why can’t I be taller? Why can’t I be more muscular? Why was I born looking like a troll? Why are my boobs so irregular? Why is my sister so much better looking than I am?

How are you processing these feelings? Do you feel like you’re broken and need to fix yourself before you can fully embrace a healthy and abundant sex life? Do you ever say things like, “Once I lose another X pounds, then I’ll be open to dating again”?

Do you give up on feeling attractive because you’re stuck following someone else’s rules?

Well, guess what. Your body is always going to have some flaws. It’s never going to be perfect. And it doesn’t have to be anywhere close to perfect for you to enjoy sexual abundance. Fussing over your imperfections is only robbing you of pleasure. Why not enjoy an abundant sex life now, and work on making whatever improvements you’d like to make from a place of abundance… as opposed to thinking you must do those things first in order to earn your right to enjoy such abundance?

This isn’t specific to D/s of course, but if you’re doing anything sexual, it’s likely you’ll have to deal with some body image issues.

Get over yourself. Accept that we’re all physically flawed. Your body isn’t perfect, and neither will your partner’s be. Recognize that your partner is probably just as miffed as you are. It’s how you use what you’ve got that counts. Often the people who seem to have the most flawless bodies are those with the worst body image struggles.

If you’re truly hideous, then turn out the lights, and master the art of pleasuring your lovers in the dark.

Enjoy what you have while you’re here. Don’t put off the enjoyment of a satisfying sex life just because you’re dissatisfied with how you look naked.

Shift your attention to the parts of yourself you love most. Instead of looking at your fat, notice your muscles. Instead of feeling bad about that big mole, notice how nibble-ready your earlobes look. And instead of fussing over a hairstyle that was a mistake, notice how your eyes look when you smile.

When you love your body, you give others the opportunity to love it too. Don’t be so selfish with your sexuality. You’re only denying yourself and your lover of pleasure.

Communication Skills

Reaching the point of having sex with someone, especially within a D/s context, can certainly challenge your communication skills. Some people are very good at this. Others really suck (and not in the good way).

Are you able to effectively communicate your desires with other people in such a way that you get the results you want? Can you overcome problems like shyness, shame, guilt, and fear that cause you to hold back and hesitate? How often do you miss opportunities because you choke on finding the right words?

What about your listening skills? Are you good at figuring out what your partner likes and dislikes? Can you tell when things are heading in a positive direction sexually and maintain the momentum together? Can you handle the pacing and flow of communicating about sex without coming across as too passive, too aggressive, too dorky, or too creepy?

Can you get a date when you want one? Or are you one of those people that hovers around your target for months, pretending to be “just friends” when you’d really love to jump ‘em and hump ‘em? Does the thought of asking for a play date make you turn pale with anxiety?

The more you explore your sexuality with other people, the faster you’re going to develop some amazing communication skills. You can read as many books as you want, but ultimately this skill is developed through experience. I know that sucks (and not in the good way), but it is what it is.

Good communication skills are particular important when exploring D/s. Are you and your partner on the same wavelength in terms of the type of experience you wish to co-create, or have you fallen out of sync? Can you communicate about serious topics while staying in character?

If your communication skills are poor, it will have major consequences for you in the bedroom, assuming anyone other that you ever visits there.

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

What’s possible for you sexually? Do you have fantasies that you’d love to experience, the kind that some people have already enjoyed but which you doubt are possible for you? How does it feel considering that if it’s possible for them, it’s almost certainly possible for you too?

How accurate are your beliefs? Are they well-aligned with reality, or do they prevent you from experiencing too much of the possible by mistakenly ruling it out as impossible or highly improbable?

Some common examples of limiting beliefs include:

- Women don’t like sex nearly as much as men.
- I have to be in love or in a relationship before I can enjoy having sex with someone.
- If I can impress her, she’ll like me and will be more inclined to go to bed with me.
- I have to pretend I’m not interested in sex, or she think I’m one of those guys.
- No one in their right mind could possibly want to be dominated by me.
- I can’t discuss my sexual interests publicly because society will shun me for it.
- If I get rejected, I won’t be able to handle it.

False beliefs hold us back sexually. When we dump them and adopt more accurate beliefs, we empower ourselves to create a whole new range of experiences that were previously impossible.

Many, many false beliefs about sexuality are installed by television, particularly in America. One of the best things you can do to improve your sex life is cut back dramatically on watching TV, so you aren’t constantly bombarding your mind with hideously inaccurate beliefs about sex, dating, and relationships.

Here are some examples of more accurate and empowering beliefs:

- Most women and men love having sex.
- Attraction is created by much more than looks.
- We’re all sexual beings. Sex is as natural for us as eating.
- If it can be done in a safe, sane, and consensual way, it’s a healthy experience to explore with a willing partner.
- People frequently enjoy talking about sexually explicit topics within the first few minutes of conversation. They find it fun.
- On a planet of 7 billion humans, there’s an absolute abundance of people who’d be thrilled to explore your sexual fantasies with you.
- If I share my sexual interests openly, I’ll not only attract the attention of compatible partners more easily, but I’ll also help inspire others to be more open with their sexuality as well, thereby helping us all overcome unhealthy sexual repression.

Immersing yourself in the exploration of your sexuality will help you identify, confront, and tear down many limiting beliefs — beliefs that are repressing you outside the bedroom as well.

Sex energy is life energy. Your sexual limits reflect your life limits.

Sex Skills

Being a skilled lover is a line of personal development unto itself. How good are you at pleasing your partner?

Do you consciously work on improving in this area of your life? Do you seek the advice of others who are more experienced than you? Do you ask your lovers how you can make your lovemaking even better? Do you read how-to books on sex? Do you go to sex workshops?

Is this an area of your life you’re neglecting, or do you take charge of it and consciously work on becoming better and better?

D/s requires even more skill development. Do you know how to safely and pleasurably dominate another person? Do you know how to please your partner from a submissive position? Such skills can even be applied outside the bedroom. For example, do you know how to lead your boss?

Self-esteem

Your self-esteem will play a major role in dictating the terms of your sex life. If you have high self-esteem, it’s much more likely you’ll enjoy a happy, healthy sex life.

Do you feel worthy of having sexual abundance in your life?

Is your self-esteem high enough to be able to handle a D/s session? Can you surrender yourself to someone else’s will for a while and still feel good about yourself during and afterwards? Can you feel good about your desire to dominate another person and welcome such an experience?

How do you feel about broadcasting your sexual interests? Can you handle other people’s reactions? Could you handle it if your friends, family, and co-workers discovered what you were into? Is your self-esteem high enough to shrug off criticism and keep moving forward with no loss of enthusiasm, or do you have to hide everything from the public eye to protect your fragile self-image? How much of a chicken are you?

Law of Attraction

How well can you use the LoA to manifest compatible, willing sex partners?

Are you surrounded by abundance, noticing that everywhere you look, fun sexual opportunities abound? Or do you live in a world of scarcity?

Can you hold the intention for what you’d like to experience next and expect it to show up in your life quickly and easily?

You’re creating this experience, you know.

The quality of your sex life is a great indicator of your skill with the LoA.

This is especially true when exploring D/s, and you’re looking to attract something more creative than vanilla sex.

Fun and Enjoyment

Does your sex life help you enjoy more positive emotions like unconditional love, bliss, and ecstasy?

Do you feel good about your sex life at present? Are you happy? Are you having fun with it? Do you feel grateful for what you’re receiving?

When you feel good, you spread that feeling to other parts of your life, and you also spread it to other people.

It’s a wonderful feeling to know that someone else is willing to mate with you. It’s deliciously delightful to co-create a fun experience together, both physically and emotionally.

You may find that these feelings are heightened when exploring D/s. To know that your partner cares enough to help you explore your sexuality in a less mainstream way can generate intense feelings of gratitude and connection.

You’re human — enjoy your sexuality fully!

Courage and Confidence

How do you handle fear of rejection? Are you able to take action in spite of fear?

Can you openly and shamelessly ask someone for what you want? Can you ask a particularly tasty looking morsel of humanity if s/he would like to “play together”?

Or are you one of those soulless minions, missing countless opportunities because you’re too timid to speak up and ask for what you want?

When you do find a sex partner, do you act all clingy and needy, afraid to lose him/her for fear you won’t be able to find anyone better? Do people feel compelled to lie to you to protect your feelings when they break up with you because they don’t think you can handle the truth?

What about the fear of being judged?

Can you publicly reveal that you enjoy what you enjoy, without worrying about being shamed or ridiculed for it? Can you say, “I absolutely love to dominate submissive women — that’s a huge turn-on for me”? Could you handle it if your parents knew that about you?

No courage, no nookie.

Social Conditioning

Are you living your own life as an independent being, or are you trying to fit in to satisfy others’ expectations?

Do you have the will to break with social conditioning when it runs afoul of your true desires? Can you explore what you want to explore, regardless of whether or not it’s socially acceptable?

Success

Are you getting the results you want in your sex life? Are you setting specific sex goals and achieving them? Are those goals in writing? Do you visualize them as real?

Do you treat this part of your life differently than your career development, your finances, and your health? Are you sexually effective? Do you decide upon and then create the experiences you’d most like to have?

Would you say this part of your life is a success… or a failure? And how does that reflect what’s happening in other parts of your life?

Oneness

Are you exploring your sexuality in a way that serves your good as well as the good of others?

Are you a selfish lover, only concerned with your own pleasure? Or are you a generous and giving lover, creating pleasure for yourself and your partners?

Does exploring your sexuality send positive ripples out into the world by boosting your happiness and the happiness of all who share your bed?

Have you learned how to balance the fulfillment of your desires with the fulfillment of others’ desires?

Can you embrace the asymmetical aspects of D/s without losing your alignment with Oneness? When you’re dominating, do you use your authority to pleasure your sub? And when you’re submitting, does your behavior delight your Dom? At the end of a session, are you both feeling happy and blissful?

Can you share what you’re learning with others, so that they may benefit from your knowledge and experience? Can you help us co-create a less sexually repressed world, for the highest good of all? Do you care enough to help make that happen?

Self-discipline

Do you maintain good self-control, or do you take unsafe risks? Do you practice safe sex even in the height of passion?

Can you make wise decisions when your brain is flooded with intoxicating hormones? Can you recognize when you’re emotionally compromised with infatuation and shouldn’t make major long-term decisions? Do you have the self-discipline to stop yourself from doing something really stupid?

You can use D/s to test and to build your self-discipline. How long can you handle being told what to do as a sub — what are the limits of your obedience? And as a Dom, how well can you maintain consensual control over your sub?

Receiving

Do you allow yourself to receive pleasure? Do you feel guilty about asking for what you want? Can you expect your lover to do what pleases you most, even if it’s a bit unorthodox?

If you can’t receive in the bedroom, maybe that explains why you’re broke too. Fix the problem in the bedroom, and notice what happens to your wallet.

Power

When you play the Dom role, how good are you at taking the lead? Do you feel comfortable with the burden of responsibility? Are you strong enough to handle that role?

When you play as a sub, how good are you at implementing your Dom’s commands? Are you able to respond with loyalty and obedience, or do you become restless and resistant?

How do these bedroom roles reflect challenges in other parts of your life? Do you have problems making clear, strong decisions (bad Dom)? Do you have problems sticking with your decisions long enough to fully implement them (bad sub)?

Explore these roles in the bedroom, and notice what you learn about your fundamental strengths and weaknesses in the area of Power. As you build your capacity to handle these roles in the bedroom, you can increase your alignment with Power and grow stronger outside the bedroom.

Balance and Variety

After you’ve been dominated by your boss at the office all day, wouldn’t it be nice to return home and be greeted with, “How may your willing slave serve you this evening, Master?” Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy someone who takes exquisite delight in carrying out your every command, sexual or otherwise? How about ordering your slave to make and serve your favorite meal, followed by a one-hour massage, and then some deliciously passionate sex — all because your slave truly loves doing those things for you?

On the other hand, if your work life puts you in a role of great responsibility where you must make many tricky decisions, wouldn’t it be nice to release and let go of that responsibility in your private life? How would it feel to completely surrender yourself to the will of a strong, powerful, trustworthy individual who delights in taking charge of your personal pleasure?

D/s can be used to restore balance to an otherwise unbalanced life. You may not understand people who enjoy one role or the other, but I assure you they exist in great abundance.

Truth

Pay attention and notice what’s happening. What’s the Truth about your sex life?

Is your love life littered by a trail of broken hearts you’ve left behind? Or when people interact with you sexually, do you take responsibility for leaving them better off for having known you?

Do you use sexual connections to help people feel good, to heal, and to share love and passion? Or do you use people like objects and then abandon them?

Do you maintain positive ongoing relations with your past lovers, even if you’ve grown more distant with the passage of time? Or do you leave people feeling scorned, resentful, and disconnected?

Is your personal exploration of sexuality helping to improve the lives of others along the way? Are you using your sexuality as a positive force for good?

Do you really believe that having sex with you is a good and healthy experience for others in the long run? Are you certain of that?

Do you consciously choose lovers with a healthy, happy sexual history and good relations with past lovers?

It’s a wonderful feeling to look back on your past lovers and to see clear evidence that they’re much better off for having known you. It feels good to know that by expressing yourself sexually, you’re actually doing some good. This is what it means to be a conscious lover.

Given these many areas of overlap between D/s and personal development (and many more I didn’t list here), it should be abundantly clear that D/s can be a tremendous growth accelerator, assuming you approach it with such an intention. While it may seem like a “naughty” subject to discuss openly, the reality is that exploring sexual power exchanges can help you learn a great deal more about yourself, enjoy a variety of delightful pleasures, and develop your strength of character in ways you can scarcely imagine… not to mention that it can be a heck of a lot of FUN.

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Posted by ealigam

2010 Focus

Happy New Year!

Around this time of year, I like to decide upon a primary focus for the upcoming year. I’ve held to this practice for several years now, and it’s never failed to stimulate major breakthroughs within the area of focus. I like to blog about my annual focus publicly because it helps solidify my commitment, and I’ve also learned that many of my readers enjoy having a preview of things to come.

In 2008 my focus was health, and I became a raw foodist that year, which has yielded many benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve had so much as a cold now; eating raw certainly does wonders for the immune system. I still eat cooked food on occasion, mainly for social convenience, but I keep returning to raw foods as my default. Although it was a significant challenge to convert to this diet, it’s rather easy to maintain it now.

In 2009 my focus was intimate relationships. Since other people were involved, and it was important to protect their privacy, I didn’t blog about my explorations in much detail, but suffice it to say that I experienced some major shifts during that year. The most obvious result was my separation from Erin in October, which helped us move beyond a major impasse in our relationship. I realize that many people see that as a negative, but the end result has been extremely positive. That was a pretty intense year, and I’m very grateful for how it turned out.

After spending two years back to back with a primary focus that was largely personal, this year I desire to create more balance between my personal growth and my professional growth. So I’ve decided to choose one primary focus for my business and another focus for my personal life.

Going Direct

My major professional aim this year is to shift my business to a direct sales revenue model.

Currently my business generates most of its income from commissions on third-party sales, including joint venture and affiliate deals. Some people have a hard time understanding how I could be earning hundreds of thousands of dollars a year from StevePavlina.com, especially since I don’t sell any advertising. They may be surprised to learn that my site typically generates around $100,000 in sales per month, and I receive healthy commissions on those sales. This income is largely passive for me and is very easy to maintain.

This has been a very lucrative business model for me for the past few years and continues to run smoothly. However, I perceive it to be a dead end for me.

One problem is that I’m extremely selective about which products I’ll recommend. So I typically have to evaluate dozens of different products just to find one that meets my criteria for a personal recommendation. I also check out the product publisher to make sure they take excellent care of their customers. This work can be rather tedious. The worst part is when I spend many hours evaluating a promising product, and in the end I conclude that I can’t strongly recommend it because of one flaw or another.

Another problem is when I find a product I can recommend wholeheartedly, and for whatever reason, it just doesn’t sell as well as I hoped. Sometimes otherwise great products are just a mismatch for my particular audience. Fortunately the hits more than make up for the few bombs, and due to the risk-free way these deals are structured, I never have to risk losing money. However, I can lose a great deal of time on a mediocre deal, so I have to consider the opportunity cost of that.

Yet another factor is that this business model no longer excites me. It’s a bit too boring for my tastes. One of the reasons I became an entrepreneur in the first place is that I love risk and excitement. I don’t derive much excitement from doing risk-free deals where the results always seem to fall within a predictable range.

If I want to increase my income with this business model, I have to recommend more products. Every time I recommend a new product, my income goes up, sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently, depending on the longevity of that particular offer. But because I’m so selective in what I’m willing to recommend, I’m unwilling to do what it takes to increase my income significantly, such as recommending marginal products I don’t feel good about. On many occasions publishers have given me some very juicy offers to do just that, but I always decline.

And finally, this business model doesn’t align well enough with my desire for creative self-expression. I feel there are better ways to use my time than reviewing other people’s products and services in an attempt to find the few gems that would appeal to my readers. I also know that there’s plenty of demand for new products and services that I can create myself. I suspect that once I get a certain flow going, I’ll be able to create a new product in less time than it takes me to find one to recommend.

So my primary goal for 2010 is to shift my business to a direct sales model. I may still recommend high quality products from trusted sources that come my way, but I don’t intend to evaluate tons of products just to find new ones to recommend.

I’ve known this transition was coming for a while, and I’ve blogged about it previously, so I’ve already been taking steps in that direction. For starters, I’m generating direct sales for the Conscious Growth Workshops. I plan to hold 3-4 of these workshops in 2010. The next one is January 15-17, and then most likely we’ll have one in the Spring (probably April or May), one in the Fall (September or October), and maybe one in the Summer too. Based on the current sign-up rate, I estimate that these workshops will generate an extra $150-200K in revenue in 2010. Of course there are expenses like the costs for the hotel ballrooms and some staff and materials, but since I can promote the workshops for free via my blog and newsletter, this is a good step towards a more direct business model. I also happen to love doing live workshops, and based on the results of the first one, it’s clear they’re highly beneficial for attendees as well.

If the workshops become a bit more popular, I can spin off more workshops to go deeper into certain topics. For example, I’d like to have a Conscious Career Development Workshop, a Conscious Wealth Workshop, and a Conscious Relationships Workshop.

In order to make this business model work effectively though, the most important shift I’ll have to make will be to build out my own product line. I already have my book, so that’s a good start. And the 8-DVD set for the Conscious Growth Workshop is still in production and will be released as soon as it’s ready (no specific ETA on that just yet). Beyond that I have an endless supply of new product ideas. At this time I favor a self-publishing model as opposed to working with outside publishers. That’s how I ran my computer games business for years, so I’m already familiar with that model. It works quite well. I may still work with some publishers, but that won’t be the core of my business model.

I suppose my main challenge this year is going to be taking all the micro-steps to make this actually happen. It may sound like it’s not that big of a shift on the surface, but for me personally it’s a major change. It requires refactoring my entire workflow for starters. It’s one thing to write a book or deliver a workshop one time. It’s quite another thing to set up structured processes and systems for creating and releasing new products and services repeatedly as part of the normal course of business. I suspect that making all the necessary shifts in my personal work habits is going to be the most difficult part of this transition for me.

So what effect will this have on my blogging? I doubt it will have a significant impact because most of this transitional work will take place behind the scenes. However, I’ll likely blog about topics related to this transition that could benefit others, such as setting up business processes, how to succeed with a direct sales business model (already did that with my games biz), habit change, streamlining workflow, boosting productivity, boosting income, etc.

My overall goal here is that by the 4th quarter of 2010, I am generating most of my business revenue from direct sales. In terms of the means to get there, my most important aim is to establish good habits and systems that have me consistently producing and releasing high-quality products that help people grow. This is more important to me than creating any specific number of products this year. If I end the year with good habits and systems in place for the long-term, I’ll be immensely delighted.

I expect that I’ll still be generating indirect revenue for many years to come, especially since it takes very little to maintain those revenue streams. I have no problem with that. But for me the path of growth for the future (and the path with a heart) is to build and release my own products on a variety of topics.

I’ve known for a long time that I wanted to make this transition to a direct sales model, and this is the year it’s happening. So this is my primary business focus for 2010. It will be a lot of work, but I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

Alternative Relationship Styles

Next I’ll share my personal focus for the year, which is going to take us in a completely different direction, but I need to share some transitional background info first, so you can understand where I’m coming from.

After Erin and I separated, it took a while to adjust to life as a single guy once again. I hadn’t been single since 1994, so it’s been a long time. Being single today, however, isn’t remotely the same as what it was like at age 22. Back then I was fresh out of college. I’m just not the same person I was at that time, so I can’t simply recall what it was like the last time I was single and return to those habits. Otherwise I’d be eating way too much Taco Bell.

The rest of the world has changed dramatically as well. For starters the Internet was a lot smaller back then.

As I think about my social life and relationships going forward, I feel very grateful. We have such amazing social resources available to us today, and they’re constantly improving. The last time I was single, I didn’t have access to smart phones, texting, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Back then I thought 3-way calling was a pretty cool technology, especially when planning the next poker game with my friends. And instead of the Internet, I mostly used a local dial-up BBS. No high-speed access was available either — it was all dial-up with a modem. And I had only a desktop computer, no laptop. I had email, as did all my geek friends, but most other people didn’t. And of course there were no blogs to speak of. It’s truly amazing to have 24/7 web access in the palm of my hand these days. I feel socially and technologically spoiled compared to how things use to be. A lot has changed in the past 16 years.

I’m also in a very different situation socially than I was at age 22. Back then I mostly connected with a small number of local friends. Now I have more friends than I can keep track of, located all around the world, not to mention a hugely popular website. I have a constant flow of new people coming into my life, and that’s going to continue indefinitely. You could say that socially, I have a very unfair advantage compared to most people, and I’d be inclined to agree.

All of these factors taken together have me feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the options available to me socially. When I thought about where I wanted to go next in my relationship life, I honestly didn’t have a clue. You could ask me each week, and I’d give you a different answer. I know that a few of my friends found it amusing to watch me stumble my way forward during the past few months. I felt a bit foolish proclaiming I’d figured out what I wanted to do next, only to reverse course a few days later. I was flapping around like a Twitter bird with its head cut off.

Unfortunately it isn’t very healthy for me to remain stuck in the space of not knowing what I want in this part of my life. I’m at too great a risk of being outgoaled, meaning that someone else — or outside circumstances in general — will eventually decide for me. When I noticed that was starting to happen and that I was heading in a new social/relationship direction that didn’t feel quite right to me, I decided I’d better back off from further explorations until I could create more clarity. So for a short time, I actively held the intention “Back off, people! Please keep all women away from me!” to give myself some space to ponder what I wanted to explore next.

During that time, I solicited advice from a number of close friends, asking them, “What would you do now if you were me?”

People loved being asked that question, and it generated some interesting responses. Some suggested that I sign up for match.com and start dating a lot. Others said, “Go out and f— as many women as you can. Live it up!” And still others had totally different ideas about what I should do next.

While these answers didn’t surprise me, none of them felt right to me. In fact, each possibility seemed utterly boring and pointless. The thought of dating or having casual sex seemed only slightly more interesting than doing my dishes.

How could it be that with all this freedom and all these options available to me, none of them really excited me? Even the thought of going out and having sex with different women did nothing for me. My reaction was, “Eh… why bother?” It seemed like more trouble than it was worth. I certainly enjoy sex, but to pursue it as a goal unto itself was more of a turn-off than a turn-on. It was as if someone suggested I take up drinking as a hobby.

Some of my friends seemed really excited on my behalf at the thought of me going out and enjoying more sex partners, and they jokingly teased me about what a fun ride I’d be in for. But I didn’t share their excitement, and I had to ask myself why. Why were others able to get more excited about that idea than I was? I know I like sex, so why doesn’t this excite me?

I had to ask myself if maybe on some level, I was afraid to pursue that course. Is it possible I was pretending that I didn’t want it, so I wouldn’t have to push myself beyond my comfort zone? That’s a common problem in personal growth. If we fear a certain path, we pretend we don’t want it, even though we wish we had the courage to pursue it.

But no, I couldn’t see any evidence that fear was holding me back. In fact, the real problem turned out to be just the opposite.

Eventually I realized that the problem wasn’t that this pursuit took too much courage but rather that it took too little. It seemed too easy for me, and because it was too easy, it felt utterly pointless. It might have been a challenging goal to pursue in my early 20s, but today the idea has no bite. It’s too bland and too boring and too vanilla for me. I need a much bigger challenge. Only way I can be satisfied.

I realized that something that’s been missing from my relationship life for way too long was the intensity. I thrive on intense experiences. For example, I have to run a business because a regular job would leave me bored to tears. I couldn’t handle getting the same paycheck month after month. I need the risk and excitement of not knowing what’s going to happen next.

It was this same need for intensity that got me addicted to shoplifting when I was a teenager. It was also this same drive that enabled me to go through college in only three semesters. It’s a very powerful part of my psyche, one that’s been relegated to the back burner for far too long.

In 2009 I explored intimacy in great depth. But in 2010 I’m going to explore the intensity side. I’m going to explore different ways of relating to women that truly excite me, and that definitely isn’t the path of a traditional dating or relationship style. I want to try new things that are big enough to scare me and thrill me at the same time.

The thought of doing anything that would be considered “normal” in terms of relationships makes me nauseous. This includes regular dating, having sex, having a girlfriend, or getting married again. I don’t judge other people who thrive on those forms of connection though. If that’s your cup of tea and you’re happy with it, I’m truly delighted for you. At various times those patterns were my delight as well, but if I were to revisit them now, I’d feel like I was living a rerun. For whatever reason, I can’t derive any further joy from such pursuits, at least not at this time in my life. It would be like eating jicama for every meal, which is the most boring food I can imagine.

One of the key lessons I learned in 2009 was to stop trying to label my relationships. Once I let go of the labels, a whole new world of possibilities opened up to me. I realized that I had a lot more freedom in terms of relating to people than I previously assumed. I’m not stuck with such limited frames as date, girlfriend, wife, friend, lover, etc.

Now let’s get more specific…

What’s a relationship style that really does excite me?

If you’re a very religious or judgmental person (is that redundant?), this is the point where you should stop reading. Otherwise you might have to go to confession or something. Continuing to read this could lead to impure thoughts.

A general rule of thumb is that if you’re going to dabble in alternative relationship styles, then you want to make sure that your explorations are safe, sane, and consensual. As long as all parties involved are willing and able and are staying safe, then psychologically speaking, the exploration is just as valid and healthy as any other relationship style. The main risk is that the rest of society may judge you harshly, but if you can handle that, then the door is wide open.

I began exploring some of those other possibilities, initially by reading about what else was out there and by talking to friends who have very non-traditional relationship lives. And I came upon something that excited me greatly and that I was eager to explore. It falls loosely within the scope of BDSM.

BDSM is a complex acronym. The BD stands for bondage and discipline. The DS stands for domination and submission. And the SM stands for sadism and masochism. These methods of relating to a partner can be sexual, but they don’t have to involve sex at all. They’re basically ways of stimulating intense feelings and sensations.

B/D doesn’t really do much for me. I dabbled with that a little in my early 20s. It was fun at times and certainly spiced up some sexual experiences, but overall I could take it or leave it. I still feel the same about it today. Some people are really turned on by this though, and I certainly don’t judge them for it.

S/M is largely a turn-off for me. I’m just not into giving or receiving pain. I can understand why some people are so into it, but it’s of no special interest to me. Again I don’t judge those who are into it though. I understand how certain people can be neurologically wired or conditioned to perceive otherwise painful stimuli as intensely pleasurable.

D/s, on the other hand, is immensely exciting to me. D/s is basically role-playing with a power exchange element. One person chooses to surrender to the will of another. This can be done with roles like Master/Mistress and slave or any other roles that involve an asymmetrical power distribution. I also dabbled in this in the distant past, and I remember how exciting it was at the time. Since then I always wanted to explore it in more depth. Note: The s is intentionally written in lower case to indicate that the sub is below the Dom in terms of authority.

I’m definitely on the D side, meaning that I like being the dominant one. That means in a D/s session, I would want to interact with a sub. A sub isn’t a submissive person per se. In real life the person may be very dominant, but in a D/s exchange, they consciously agree to submit to their partner’s will. Some people are switches, meaning that they can handle either role.

Some say that if you’re very dominant in real life, then you’d enjoy being submissive in the bedroom. For some people that seems to be true; however, overall there isn’t much of a pattern as to which people are Doms vs. subs vs. switches, at least not that I’m aware of. There are many different factors that can influence someone’s personal preference.

According to the Kinsey Institute, 5-10% of American adults regularly engage in sexual D/s. That stat is very dated though, so I don’t know if this figure has changed in recent years. I expect it’s probably a lot higher in countries that are less sexually repressed (Thanks, Puritans!). For the most part though, this aspect of people’s lives stays behind closed doors. You surely know a lot of people who are into it, but they probably aren’t talking about it with you either because they don’t think you could handle it, or they worry you’ll judge them for it. However, if you were to out yourself as being BSDM-friendly, they’ll likely come out of the woodwork and make their presence known to you, in sort of a “Hi, Welcome to the club! Let me show you the secret handshake.” fashion. This happened to me when I started posting about D/s on my Facebook page a few weeks ago, and most likely it will accelerate now that I’ve blogged about it. The same thing happened when I started blogging about polyamory. I had no idea so many people in my life were already poly, but they only told me so after they could tell that I wasn’t a muggle.

D/s can be isolated to the bedroom, or it can dictate the terms of a whole relationship (aka Lifestyle D/s or 24/7 D/s). My current interest is somewhere in the middle. To date I’ve only experienced the bedroom version, but that’s about to change later this month during what is likely to be an immensely fun and playful week with a willing play partner.

To get a sense of what the D side is like, ask yourself if any of the following appeals to you:

- Being able to command your partner to do anything you want, sexual or otherwise, and having them immediately and willingly obey you without resistance or hesitation
- Setting up rules that your partner must follow, like having to kiss you immediately whenever you say a certain keyword
- Being addressed as Master or Mistress by your partner
- Having your partner say, “If it pleases you, Master (or Mistress)” instead of “yes”
- Getting all the physical touch and affection you desire, in exactly the way you desire it
- Prohibiting your partner from touching you or doing anything to you except when you grant permission to do so
- Commanding your partner to dress a certain way, like wearing the lingerie you like best, or to wear nothing at all
- Commanding your partner to dance or strip for you
- Commanding your partner to do things that sexually arouse you, and pushing yourself to see how long you can resist the irresistible
- Commanding your partner to bathe you, shower with you, groom you, brush your hair, etc.
- Commanding your partner to undress one or both of you
- Commanding multiple subs to perform sex acts with you and/or each other
- Receiving as much stimulation as you desire (oral sex, massage, kissing, etc) in exactly the way you like, for as long as you like
- Commanding your partner to say or whisper anything you wish to hear at any time (”I love you, Master.” “I adore you, Mistress.”)
- Not having to ask permission, just giving orders and knowing they’ll be promptly and obediently carried out
- Stimulating your partner to the edge of orgasm and mercilessly holding them there until you’re ready to let them climax
- Creatively “punishing” or disciplining an ornery sub
- Seeing your partner unbelievably turned on through acts of submission to you

And for the s side, consider how you might feel about this:

- Surrendering yourself completely to the will of a partner you trust
- Not having to make any decisions at all; simply listening and obeying
- Addressing your partner as Master or Mistress while being addressed as slave yourself (or something similar)
- Being “forced” to do things that please and stimulate your partner
- Becoming the instrument for fulfilling your partner’s every desire, knowing that you’re the source of their ecstasy
- Being irresistibly desired, seeing your partner get so turned on that they can’t hold back any longer and must surrender to their passion for you
- Being intentionally ornery in order to trigger a “punishment” that is in fact your delight
- Being commanded to do things you might otherwise never consider, and being “off the hook” for the responsibility because your partner is assuming full responsibility for all decisions
- Being commanded to perform sex acts with and/or to another sub
- Being brought to the edge of orgasm but not being allowed to climax until your partner gives you permission
- Being lavishly rewarded for your obedience
- Being deeply appreciated for your submission

And for both, you get to let it all go and return to your normal life afterwards once you’re done playing together.

For some people aspects of one or both of these roles can be huge turn-ons. For other people they’re turn-offs. And still others may not care either way. Your reaction is your own to contemplate.

On the other hand, if you need to take a break from reading and go take care of yourself right now, I understand.

Keep in mind that all of this is done consensually. It’s a form of play that’s entered into consciously by all involved. As such it can be a tremendously pleasurable growth experience. I can’t cover all the growth aspects now — I’ll have to save that for future articles. But perhaps the simplest growth aspect is that if you have more fun in one part of your life, it can easily spread to other parts… and to other people.

Now if you decide to explore such things, how do you find a willing partner?

Some people use personal ads or join a local BDSM support group. My approach is to use the Law of Attraction plus courage. I started by imagining what it would feel like if this was already a part of my life, and then I focused on holding that vibe. At first the vibe felt too exciting to hold onto, but eventually it calmed down and began to feel more integrated and “normal.”

Additionally, I focused on extending the vibe of abundance into this part of my life. Abundance is a vibe that’s already familiar to me (ala financial abundance, social abundance, intimacy abundance, etc.), so all I needed to do was extend that vibe to create the sensation of D/s abundance. What would it feel like if my life were already overflowing with all the abundance I could possibly desire in this part of my life? I sat on my couch visualizing this “fantasy” as already real.

That’s enough to get the ball rolling. It’s enough for potential partners to start showing up. The next step is to work through any blocks, such as worrying about what other people might think. “Oh no… they’re gonna kick me off the planet for sure this time!” You have to summon the courage to receive what you’re now attracting, including all the potential consequences. That’s usually the most difficult step and often involves saying to yourself at some point, “Ah, screw it. Let’s do it!”

After receiving plenty of criticism in 2009 for exploring polyamory and later for separating from Erin, I can’t see the feedback on this decision being any worse, especially since BDSM seems to be a lot more popular than polyamory. For me this is a very rich, excting area of exploration, and the potential positives vastly outweigh the negatives. Either that, or I have too much courage for my own good.

I took the time to work through my feelings about this during the past few weeks, so I feel quite comfortable writing about it publicly, knowing full well that some people will have a tizzy cow about it. Maybe I am a masochist after all though.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to blog about this in terms of details. Partly it depends on a few things. My top priority is to protect the privacy of anyone I’m involved with, to whatever extent their privacy is important to them. I’m not a particularly private person myself, but I know how unfair and critical the public eye can be, and I understand that most people wouldn’t want to deal with that. I certainly can’t blame them. So unless a sub happens to come along who’s either very brave or very masochistic, I’m not going to share any specific details about who’s doing what to whom.

That said, I’ve already been discussing the possibility of publicly exploring a D/s-style relationship with someone in particular, but it’s too soon to say if we’ll go public. For now we’re keeping our exploration private by default. I’d find a public exploration to be lot of fun, but obviously it would have major consequences for her if we do that, and I feel rather protective of her. How can I feel otherwise towards someone who refers to me as her Master?

I would never pressure her to share anything publicly; it will only happen if she truly wants to do it, and she does seem turned on by that possibility. But first, I’d like to see how people react to this blog post on the subject, and I’m sure she’s curious about that as well. I do NOT want to see people doing personal attacks on her. Maybe I can’t prevent that from happening, but I just might have to go S/M on anyone who crosses that line, not to mention sending an army of subs after them. I’m not much of a sadist, but in that case I’ll make an exception and pull out the pincers and blowtorch.

I’m looking to see how much maturity my readers can summon in terms of watching me explore this path without going kittywompus, especially since other people are involved. In the past I’ve been largely disappointed, but perhaps the New Year will bring a new level of genuine acceptance and curiosity.

Another factor that I’ll have to determine based on feedback is whether or not enough of my readers actually care to learn more about this subject. If there isn’t much interest, I’ll just keep it to myself and won’t blog much about it. But if I see a lot of curiosity and questions, I can justify sharing more details.

I must admit that I am immensely excited about 2010. This is already shaping up to be an exquisitely delicious year. I suspect you’ll be seing some unusually happy posts from me in the coming months.

If you can get past your fear of rejection and summon a modicum of courage, it’s not that difficult to find a play partner. You don’t need a full-on relationship first. You don’t need to date people either. You can just let a potential partner know that you’re up for playing together, and see what they say. It’s even easier if you publicly out yourself first, since then people will come to you. Of course it helps if you’re known to be very open, honest, and trustworthy, so that people who get involved with you can expect that everything will be done in a safe, sane, and consensual manner, not in an unsafe, crazy, or creepy way. The whole point is to co-create a fun and exciting experience that leaves everyone happy.

I should mention that my interest in D/s is partly sexual and partly non-sexual. It’s the power exchange aspect that turns me on the most. If I had to choose between doing a D/s session without sex vs. having vanilla sex with no D/s aspects, most of the time I’d probably choose the D/s play. However, I’d much rather explore D/s with a sexual element than without. It’s a lot more fun that way.

I expect to devote a big chunk of my personal life to exploring D/s this year. Nothing else on my radar excites me quite as much as this. I can’t predict where it will lead, and I rather like that. I like that it challenges me in so many ways simultaneously. I get to work with the Law of Attraction, conscious communication, building trust, unconditional love and acceptance, self-discipline, emotional resiliency, and more.

Some people don’t like the D side because it’s too much work. They don’t like having to make all the decisions. It definitely can be a lot of work, but that’s a challenge I rather enjoy. Maybe it’s the former game designer in me. One of the most appealing aspects of D/s to me is being granted the power to interactively discover what most excites a woman, and then taking her through an intense emotional and sensory journey. It’s like being the GM (aka Game Master) in a classic pen and paper role-playing session — plus a whole lot more. When role-playing I always liked being the GM more than being a regular player. That’s the most difficult role to fill, but it’s also the one with the most flexibility and choices available. I thrive on being responsible for other people’s enjoyment and having the power to interactively create a fun and unique experience for them.

Perhaps on some level, the game designer part of me is still present, and he sees this as a good way to creatively express parts of himself that have been denied a proper outlet for too many years.

Maybe you regard this decision as yet another of Steve’s insanities, but for me it makes perfect sense. I’ve had regular sex thousands of times, and I doubt I’ll gain much from doing it a thousand more times. I’d rather head off in a new direction (which a friend jokingly reminded me sounds the same as “nude erection”) and try something a bit more spicy and exhilarating. The nice thing is that D/s can be combined with just about anything, such as tantra, so all sorts of delectable combos are possible.

Commence with the criticism now if you must, but just remember that ultimately it’s all about you anyway… and a harsh reaction could be a sign of a repressed desire to be dominated. Or perhaps you just need to be introduced to a particularly skilled sadist to soften you up a bit.

I completely understand that some people may not want to out themselves as being interested in this, so feel free to email me privately via my contact form or my Facebook page if you have feedback to share and don’t want to do so publicly. I can’t answer all the questions people send me, but I’ll use the feedback to gauge interest and to generate ideas for future articles. I wouldn’t be worried about posting about this in our forums though since we quickly weed out people who make personal attacks on other members.

I hope your 2010 is as fun and tasty as mine is likely to be.

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Posted by ealigam

11 Ways to Gain Clarity

I’m sure you’ve read that clarity and focus are important qualities for success. Decide what you want, and then pursue it with passion and energy.

But what if you’re feeling uncertain and don’t have a lot of clarity about your future direction? What if you can’t decide what you’d like to do next? This is a common problem, especially for today’s 20-somethings who are growing up in a world of unprecedented change.

Fortunately there are many actions you can take and mental adjustments you can make that will help you shift from uncertainty to certainty.

Here are 11 tips for infusing your life with more clarity:

1. Assume 100% responsibility for your own level of clarity.

Many people assume that clarity is something that will arrive in good time if they simply wait patiently. Others feel stunted that they aren’t gifted with the same degree of clarity as others. The common pattern is that clarity is seen as something that is bestowed from the outside in, that it’s something God, the universe, or the world at large has the power to grant you — or that it’s an accident in some way. Some people get lucky; others don’t.

These attitudes are pointless and self-defeating.

Clarity isn’t something that arrives from outside of you. Clarity isn’t a matter of luck either. Clarity is what you create for yourself.

Clarity is a decision.

Whatever degree of clarity you’re experiencing right now is what you’ve decided to create. Not deciding still counts as a decision; in that case it’s the decision to remain uncertain.

The word decide comes from the Latin decidere, which means “to cut off from.” To make a decision, you must cut away other potential directions. If you remain open to lots of different directions at the same time, you get confusion and fuzziness. When you commit yourself to one specific direction, clarity is the natural result.

It’s wise to remain open and responsive to what comes your way. Don’t be so rigid as to ignore what’s coming to you. But neither be so “open” that you succumb to wishy-washy indecision. Be like a ship captain who sets sail with a specific destination in mind, while keeping a keen eye on the wind and waters during the journey.

Now it’s entirely possible that you may not be very good at creating clarity yet. You may in fact be very good at creating confusion and uncertainty for yourself — and have a long track record to prove it. That’s okay for now, but take it as a given that you’re the one who’s creating your current level of clarity. No one else is doing it to you — not God or the universe or your friends and family or your boss or your spirit guides or the Law of Attraction.

Furthermore, realize and accept that if your current degree of clarity is to improve, then you must actively make some changes. Endlessly pondering why you don’t have clarity will only perpetuate confusion, so that’s a bad habit you can drop immediately.

If you want more clarity, then it’s time to treat the generation of clarity as a serious undertaking that’s entirely 100% your responsibility. It’s not going to happen unless you make it happen.

2. Stop creating the opposite of clarity.

Some thoughts and actions lead to increased clarity. Other thoughts and actions have the opposite effect.

If you want to experience more clarity, you must disengage yourself from that which has an adverse effect on your clarity.

Clarity-reducing patterns include:

Hanging out with fuzzy, unfocused people who are drifting aimlessly with no direction
Living with people whose goals and values are in conflict with yours
Distracting yourself with excessive TV, web surfing, video games, or other time-wasting habits
Numbing your mind and emotions with junk food, alcohol, or other addictions
Overstimulating yourself with caffeine (which for many people leads to racing thoughts)
Whining about your lack of certainty or complaining that you don’t know what to do

Clarity-boosting patterns include doing the opposite of the above:

Hanging out with clear, focused people who can tell you their purpose and direction
Living with people whose goals and values align well with yours
Feeding your mind with inspirational and motivational material like quality books and audio programs
Eating healthy, unrefined foods (especially fruits and veggies, fresh juices, and smoothies) that keep your mind sharp and alert
Avoiding stimulants that cause swings in your thoughts and emotions
Thinking about your goals and the next actions you can take today

If you find yourself surrounded by people and circumstances that leave you feeling dizzy and confused, drop those elements from your life, and give yourself the space to create and enjoy the clarity you seek. Spinning in circles is unproductive.

3. Harvest and apply the clarity lessons from your past.

Notice that your level of clarity isn’t the same at all times. At some points in your life, you’ve been very clear. At other times you’ve been extremely uncertain.

Take a moment to review those times when you’ve been at one extreme vs. the other. See if you can identify some of the causal factors on both sides.

Notice which factors lead to reduced clarity, and do less of them. Also notice which factors lead to increased clarity, and do more of them. This sounds childishly simple, and it is, but chances are that you aren’t applying this idea as well as you could. Humor me, and give it a try. You’ll be amazed as the a-ha moments that can be gotten from a quick review of your past patterns of clarity vs. fuzziness.

For example, do you feel clearer and more certain after taking the time to write down your goals? Do you feel fuzzier after having a conversation with someone who’s always nagging you to change in ways you disagree with? If so, then do the former more often, and do the latter less often.

4. Use visualization to create the vibe of clarity.

Either you feel clear and focused right now, or you don’t.

You may assume that your external reality has to be a certain way in order for you to feel clear and focused. Having all your ducks in a row may make it easier to feel clear, but you can also use your imagination to create the feeling of clarity.

Clarity is more than just a feeling. There’s an emotional state associated with it, but it’s more than that. Clarity is a certain vibe. When you’re really clear, you can sense that vibe through every cell of your being. Your mind and emotions are centered. Every part of you is on the same page. There’s no doubt or uncertainty. This is a powerful state of being to experience.

Sit quietly for a few moments and imagine what it’s like to hold the vibe of total clarity. Imagine what your surroundings would look like if you were really clear about your direction in life right now. Imagine the people and circumstances that would be in your reality. Imagine how you’d dress, how you’d move, and how you’d communicate with others. Paint a vivid picture of a reality — any reality — in which you feel crystal clear about your direction in life.

What matters isn’t the specific visualization you create. What matters is the vibe you experience. You can imagine yourself as an ancient Roman conqueror as long as it helps you hold the vibe of clarity. Do this for at least 10-20 minutes per day until the clarity vibe feels normal and natural to you. The more you practice holding this vibe, the more clarity you’ll bring to the rest of your life and to all the decisions you make.

For more on this visualization process, read the article How to Visualize Your New Reality.

5. Ask for help.

Help is available when you need it, so take advantage of it. Ask someone who’s clear about their path to assist you.

The quality of help you receive will vary depending on the source. For example, an experienced counselor like Erin may be able to help you gain clarity quickly, while an enthusiastic but inexperienced friend may create more confusion than certainty. Also, consulting with an unbiased outsider is usually more beneficial than asking for help from someone who’s personally invested in your situation.

Bear in mind that you’re still 100% responsible for your level of clarity. Use counselors, coaches, and advice givers as a resource to help you see the big picture, but don’t give your power away to them. If you try to give your power away to such people, hoping they’ll tell you what to do, it will backfire. A good counselor can help draw out and validate a path that’s right for you, but s/he cannot create a path for you. Creating the path is your responsibility.

6. Put your goals in writing, and review them daily.

This is a well-known habit of success, yet its practice remains inconsistent for most people.

As soon as you write down your goals, you’ll experience a boost in clarity. And each time you review your goals, you’ll gain more clarity.

Writing down your goals pushes you to make them clearer and more precise. It’s easy for a goal to remain fuzzy when it’s only in your mind, but if it’s stuck in your head and you can’t even write it down, it’s more of a fantasy than a goal. Putting your goal in writing is the first key action step toward making it real.

How many times have you imagined a sexual fantasy for instance? And how many of those did you commit to writing as an actual goal or intention? Which ones are more likely to manifest? Whatever you’d like to keep as fantasy, leave it in your imagination. But whatever you’d like to experience in physical reality, put it down in writing.

Keep drilling your goals into your subconscious mind by reviewing them daily. Imagine your written goals as physically real — not fantasy — and soon your internal resources will be aligned with making those goals come to fruition. It takes a while to condition the subconscious through repetition, but if you persist with this habit, you’ll begin to notice subtle shifts that bring your goals ever closer.

Jack Canfield recommends the practice of writing your goals on index cards, one goal per card. Then flip through the cards and imagine each goal as real when you first wake up in the morning and again before you go to bed. This is an excellent habit to install.

7. Accept that any goal is better than no goal.

When asked to take a few minutes to write down some goals, certain people love to whine, “But I don’t know what to write down. I don’t know what my goals are.” In that case you can write down, “I want nothing!” If all you have is a blank page — or no page at all — then your goal is nothing. That’s what you’re asking for, so that’s what you’ll receive.

The people who whine that they don’t know what to ask for are really saying, “I want nothing. I can’t think of any single thing I want. So I’m asking for precisely nothing.”

Sounds pretty foolish, doesn’t it? It is foolish!

Surely you can come up with something to ask for that’s better than nothing. Ask for a nice dinner. Ask for an extra $100. Ask for a new friend. Ask for a nicer phone. Anything is better than nothing.

Imagine asking a child, “What do you want for Christmas?” and hearing the response, “I’m content with what I have. Please don’t trouble yourself on my behalf.” Now that would be a rare child indeed. Some might say that such a child is enlightened. I’d say that such a child was drugged. Even a dog is capable of expressing what s/he wants, including a neutered dog.

Don’t pressure yourself into trying to come up with the perfect list of goals. You’ll never get there. Just write down some items that appeal to you, such as new experiences you’d like to have. Start with the goals that are easy for you to desire. Is there someplace you’d like to visit? Some activity you’d like to try? Someone you’d like to meet?

As you get into the habit of setting and achieving goals, better goals will come to you. Don’t worry so much about changing the world if you’re still new to goal setting. Focus on some appealing but smaller achievements first, and as you get good at achieving those goals, continue to expand your goals in new directions.

8. Crystalize your goals.

At first you may write down a goal like, “I have a job I enjoy.” That’s an okay place to start, but it’s not a very powerful goal because it’s so fuzzy. Your mind will have a hard time locking onto it and taking action.

As you review your goals, try to lock them down and make them more specific.

For example, instead of asking for a job you enjoy, you could say, “I make a living creating movies.” That’s a positive step towards greater specificity.

Then as you think about that goal, you may progress to, “I enthusiastically earn $100,000 per year writing, producing, directing, and distributing independent short films that uplift, motivate, and inspire people to find their passion.” That goal is much clearer still.

Clear written goals help you stay focused. Fuzzy goals leave you feeling uncertain.

There’s no need to add superfluous details that are irrelevant to you, but if you can be more specific about what you truly want, it will help you achieve your goals faster, partly because clearer goals are less prone to procrastination. It’s too easy to procrastinate on a goal when you can’t figure out what the next step may be.

9. Pay attention to the path, not just the end result.

Sometimes the way you achieve a particular goal is more important than the goal itself.

When I started college my second time, ostensibly my goal was to earn my degree in computer science. That was an important goal for me, but it wasn’t very motivating by itself. The first time I pursued that goal, I failed miserably and got expelled from school. The thought of spending 4 more years in school to get a degree was demotivating, so I triple-majored in poker, alcohol, and shoplifting instead.

A year later when I started over as a freshman, I altered my goal to be, “I graduate with a computer science degree in only 3 semesters.” Now that goal inspired me! Challenging myself in that way was even more inspiring than the degree itself. I could have majored in psychology instead of computer science, and the goal still would have excited me.

Would your goal be more inspiring to you if you found a way to achieve it faster? With a partner or a small team? While traveling? Without spending a dime?

When a goal is too straightforward, it can become demotivating because the action steps may get tedious and repetitive after a while. But if you can spice up the process used to achieve the goal, you may discover some newfound excitement.

Sometimes it’s fun to take the scenic route.

10. Stick with one primary goal at a time.

If you have a lot of goals, it’s easy to fall into the trap of jumping around between different goals and making little progress on any of them. If you want to actually achieve a goal, focus on one key goal single-mindedly until it’s achieved. Then move on to another goal. This is what top achievers do. Having too many competing goals will simply scatter your energies.

It’s great to have a big list of goals, but which of those goals is most important to you right now? Which one do you want to achieve first? Make that goal your primary aim, and focus on its achievement. When you can work on that goal, do so. Work on other goals while you’re waiting for responses from others or if you simply need a break from the first goal.

What if you have a really huge goal that will take many years to achieve? Same rule applies. If that goal is truly important to you, then center your life around it. Otherwise you’re unlikely to sustain the kind of momentum needed to make it a reality. If that’s too much for you though, you can scale back your goal to something more manageable. Set a subgoal to achieve, but realize that if you do other things between those subgoals, you’re delaying the end result of your primary goal. That’s perfectly fine if you’re still making good progress and enjoying the process. The final result isn’t the only thing that matters.

When you look back on the previous year, do you see a track record of massive progress toward your primary goal? If you aren’t satisfied with your current rate of progress, then you’ll need to make some changes to avoid repeating the same pattern next year. There’s no honor in having a big goal on your list if you aren’t making serious progress towards its achievement. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that setting a big goal is the same thing as achieving a big goal.

11. Explore and experiment.

Sometimes it’s tough to set a clear goal because you don’t know what you’re getting into. In that case you can experiment in order to gain clarity about the goal space you’re exploring.

When I worked in the computer gaming industry, one of the major chicken-egg problems was that you didn’t really know what game you were trying to build until you were already well on your way to building it. Very rarely could you write out a complete design on paper and then implement it. That simply never happened for larger projects. Too many important design decisions had to be made along the way; otherwise golden opportunities would be missed, and the final product would fall far short of its potential.

Much of the time, a small team would develop a prototype that would demonstrate some interesting gameplay dynamics, and then they’d play around with it to see how they might develop it into a commercial product. Funding would typically occur in stages, with one or more rounds of funding to create the experimental prototype and demonstrate key features, followed by additional funding to staff up with a larger team and create the final product. The final goal, i.e. defining exactly what kind of game was being created, often didn’t became clear until the project was well underway. This process made sense for the designers, but it often drove the publishers and marketers nuts, so typically the production team would document more certainty about the specs and the schedule than was realistic, so as to make their financial backers more comfortable. Nevertheless, this design-as-you-go process led to the creation of some very innovative games (which inevitably went over budget and were released a year or more behind schedule).

Doing what you’re already doing won’t give you more clarity. Thinking about what to do next and writing down some goals can certainly help, but that isn’t always enough. Sometimes you have to get moving first before clarity can be achieved. You’ll enjoy more clarity when you’re in motion than when you’re standing still. A pilot has better visibility from the air than from the ground.

At the end of 2008, I blogged that intimate relationships would be my primary personal development focus for 2009. I shared my uncertainties about my marriage and my future relationship possibilities. I didn’t have a clear goal at the time, so I picked a new direction to explore that I felt would help me gain clarity. That direction was a bit controversial for some people, especially the religious folks, so I took flak after blogging about it, but I stuck with the decision. In retrospect it was definitely the right course for me, and 2009 became a year of extreme growth and change in my personal life. I’m immensely grateful that I didn’t settle for maintaining the status quo.

This has been a challenging exploration, sometimes an emotional roller coaster. But I don’t see how I could have learned what I needed to learn any other way. One thing I discovered is that I really enjoy new connections that are fresh and exciting, yet at the same time, I also enjoy the stability of grounding connections like spending time with my kids (who are sleeping over at my house tonight). My next challenge is to find the right balance between these two aspects of my relationship life instead of swinging the pendulum too far one way or the other. New goals are now emerging, goals I could not have verbalized a year ago.

When you’re stuck in a state of ambivalence, do whatever it takes to break the impasse. Do something radically different than what you’ve been doing. For example, if you know your current job is unfulfilling, but you don’t know what kind of work you’d enjoy, then quit the unfulfilling job immediately, and do something completely different for a while. Don’t expect to get it perfect on the first try. Go out and rack up a string of failed experiments, and you’ll be much closer to figuring out what you truly love.

Some people will judge you harshly for undertaking such an exploration, but their reactions have little to do with you. They may be upset because you’re reminding them that they haven’t been learning and growing as much as they could be. Or they may be upset because you’re interfering with their sense of certainty; they thought they had you all figured out, and then you throw them for a loop. Or they may just be having a bad day. Regardless of the reason, don’t let fears about other people’s reactions hold you back from conducting your own growth experiments. If I can handle all the sardonic silliness that other bloggers feel inclined to publish about me, then surely you can handle your friends and family thinking you’ve gone off the deep end for a while. Just remember that every person who takes issue with what you’re doing is really saying, “I care about you enough to invest my time in you.”

Don’t wait for clarity to come to you. You’re responsible for creating your own clarity from within. If you lack clarity, then get busy creating it. If you can achieve clarity by doing written exercises from the comfort of your home, great. If not, then leave your comfort zone behind, go outside, and explore what’s out there!

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Posted by ealigam

SBI Buy One Get One Free Holiday Special

SBI is currently offering a special buy one get one free holiday promotion. This is their best offer of the year.

This is an extra optional bonus where you can get a second SBI subscription for a friend or relative (or even yourself) for FREE instead of the regular $299 price.

This offer is only good until midnight on December 25th, 2009, so if you want to take advantage of it, now is the time to look into this and make a decision.

SBI sometimes runs other promos like getting a second subscription for $100, but this one is their most generous and popular promo of the year by far.

This is a great deal for couples, for a parent and child, or for two friends, since the two of you can build your own online businesses together.

What Is SBI?

SBI is a very popular service that helps you build an income-generating online business. It includes the education and tools you need as well as hosting for your website. This service is for people who want to build a real online business that consistently generates income month after month. If you only want to put up a website and don’t care about whether it makes any money, you don’t need SBI.

Be sure to read my full review of SBI if you’re interested in learning how to make money online.

Personally I don’t use SBI… simply because I don’t need it. I spent years developing the skills to deliver value to people over the Internet, and I learned how to generate abundant income from my work as well.

For example, whenever someone signs up for SBI, I earn a commission from the referral. I think this is a very fair way to generate income. It enables me to create and deliver tons of free content (more than 1,000 free articles to date), and I’m able to help people start new online businesses without having to personally tutor them (which would be untenable).

I used to try to teach people how to earn income from blogging, but for most people the learning curve is just too steep. You can definitely succeed this way — obviously many people have — but you must be dedicated to mastering the creative side, the technical side, and the marketing side. And you’d better have the ability to crank out lots of lots of high-quality content.

SBI is a better approach for people who prefer to focus most of their energies on the creative side, to let someone else handle the technical side, and to get help and tutoring with the marketing side. With SBI you can generate income from a static website and/or with visitor-generated content, so you don’t have to post fresh content every day or every week like you might do with a blog. It’s an easier, gentler model for online business than the typical blogging model.

SBI 2.0

SBI has gone through some major upgrades this past year. The best part is that these upgrades don’t cost anything extra. SBI used to charge an extra premium to add some optional features, but now these features — and more — are rolled into their standard package.

Learn more about what you’ll gain from using SBI 2.0.

Monthly Payment Option

SBI now offers a monthly payment option. Instead of paying $299 per year, you now have the option of paying $29.99 per month.

SBI is offering the monthly payment option for a limited time as a “recession buster” to help out people for whom paying $299 is too big a burden. This way you can get your site up and running and generating income for you, and then switch to the $299 annual payments and save $60 per year when you’re ready.

Getting Started

If SBI sounds interesting to you, a good place to start is to watch their video tour.

Then you may want to read my full review.

After that you may want to poke around the SBI website.

And finally I recommend you read my Site Build It! Walkthrough.

I’ve written tons about this service already, so the above articles will give you a solid overview.

If you have any questions about SBI though, please submit them via their questions form. Your questions will be answered by an actual SBI customer.

Just remember that the holiday two-for-one bonus offer is only good until midnight on December 25th, 2009, so you have about 10 days left to decide if you want to take advantage of it.

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Posted by ealigam

$100 Workshop Discount Expires Today

This is your final reminder that the price for the upcoming Conscious Growth Workshop (January 15-17, 2010 in Las Vegas) will increase from $497 to $597 after today (December 15), so you only have about 12 hours left to get the $100 discount. On the morning of December 16th, the price will be $100 more than it is now.

The registration rate has been steadily increasing as that deadline gets closer, with more people signing up for the workshop every day now.

If you live outside the USA and are thinking about attending, once again you won’t be alone. As with the previous workshop, we’re seeing that about a third of registered attendees are flying in from outside the USA.

Travel and Hotel

The workshop FAQ includes lots of information to assist you in making travel plans. Flights to and from Las Vegas are often cheaper than other cities, and the hotel rooms are very affordable, so your total trip cost may be less than you expect.

There’s also a recent forum thread where attendees are discussing good flight and hotel deals to keep costs down. It looks like HotWire.com may have some good deals.

50% Discount on Erin’s Readings for Workshop Attendees

Erin is offering a limited number of in-person readings before and after the workshop for a 50% discount. This is the first time she’s ever done this. She’s offering this discount as a special courtesy for registered workshop attendees only. So if you’d like a chance to get an in-person reading with Erin and save hundreds of dollars, this is a great time to take advantage of her offer.

For details and to schedule a reading, see Erin’s recent blog post.

Social Activities

At the previous workshop, it was obvious that we attracted an extremely social group. That pattern seems to be continuing, as attendees of the January workshop are already planning a number of social gatherings outside the workshop hours.

Potential activities include a disc golf meet-up, indoor skydiving, and more.

For more social opportunities during your stay in Las Vegas, check out the Conscious Growth Workshop Forum. Please feel free to suggest your own group activity if you’d like, or offer to help coordinate one of the meet-ups that are still being planned. With 30 days remaining until the workshop, there’s still plenty of time to arrange your social calendar.

Toastmasters Meeting

On Monday, January 18th at 6:15pm, the Toastmasters club that Erin and I belong to is hosting an open house, and attendees of our workshop are invited to attend. One of our workshop participants, Alex Wu, will be a guest speaker at our club that night. For further details see this forum thread.

The Toastmasters meeting is totally free, and it’s a great bonus opportunity for anyone who feels that public speaking may be part of their path. You won’t have to speak at the meeting, but you’ll be able to learn from others, watch speakers in action, and see if Toastmasters is a good fit for you. There are about 10,000 Toastmasters clubs worldwide, so chances are there’s one close to you. Erin and I have been members of this particular club in Las Vegas for many years. It’s currently the largest club in Las Vegas.

At the previous workshop, we brought 16 guests from the workshop to our Toastmasters meeting, and it was one of the liveliest meetings we’ve ever had. If you’re able to stay in Las Vegas for an extra day, I encourage you to hang out with us at Toastmasters too. Our club is very fun and upbeat with an abundant flow of humor.

Some Useful Links

Conscious Growth Workshop (all the details, who should attend, what you’ll learn, daily schedule)

Workshop FAQ (questions answered, travel advice, Las Vegas info)

Register NOW (take action, engage, make it so)

Would you rather spend a weekend with an amazing group of growth-oriented people while being pushed to think, feel, and stretch yourself in new ways, or would you rather stay home and do what you normally do? You decide.

Discuss this article in the forums.
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Posted by ealigam

Personal Development

Feeds

Getting Clear About What You Want

Real Decisions vs. Fantasy Decisions

Goals as Growth Experiences

Social Abundance

Venue

Pricing

CGW Photos

Sign Up!

The Universal Restaurant

Partial Manifestations

How to Order

Contrast

How to Be an Idiot Who Can’t Order at a Restaurant

Your Choice

On Weeks

Off Weeks

Benefits of This Method

Personal Experiences and Some Tips

Consequences of broadcasting your desires

A personal example

What are your true desires?

Speak up!

Relationships

Career

Social Life

Stop Creating False Prerequisites

Why You Give Your Power Away

Resistance Is Futile

Making the Shift

Courage or Cowardice

CGW #3, 4, and 5

Keeping in Touch

CGW #2 Feedback

Do you really want to kill your ego?

Building a stronger ego

Character-building ideas

Intelligence, not enlightenment

Engage with life

Own your character

Dominant Perspective

Submissive Perspective

It’s a Lot Like Life

Forget All About Equality

Let’s Play…

Body Image

Communication Skills

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

Sex Skills

Self-esteem

Law of Attraction

Fun and Enjoyment

Courage and Confidence

Social Conditioning

Success

Oneness

Self-discipline

Receiving

Power

Balance and Variety

Truth

Going Direct

Alternative Relationship Styles

1. Assume 100% responsibility for your own level of clarity.

2. Stop creating the opposite of clarity.

3. Harvest and apply the clarity lessons from your past.

4. Use visualization to create the vibe of clarity.

5. Ask for help.

6. Put your goals in writing, and review them daily.

7. Accept that any goal is better than no goal.

8. Crystalize your goals.

9. Pay attention to the path, not just the end result.

10. Stick with one primary goal at a time.

11. Explore and experiment.

What Is SBI?

SBI 2.0

Monthly Payment Option

Getting Started

Travel and Hotel